In the spirit of Christmas...

...well sort of.

Since we are right smack dab in the middle of the Christmas season, and gift giving is on the mind, I am taking a suggestion from my pal Meredith and doing a Top 10 Gifts list. It is important to note that these will not be ranked in any particular order and I have been fortunate to receive many thoughtful and special gifts from many thoughtful and special people in my lifetime.

Top 10 Gifts:

1. A box full of Ritter Sport Mint Chocolate Bars (my favorite ever and very hard to locate), special ordered from some European good store by Jordan.
2. My "Beau Coeur" (that's French for Beautiful Heart) ring from Mags. It's beautiful and I love it!
3. My pearl earrings and necklace from my grandparents, given on my 16th and 21st birthdays.
4. My (now) ratty and holey Winthrop Eagles t-shirt that Katie stuck in my suitcase before leaving Winthrop for the summer.
5. A copy of The Giving Tree with a note in the front cover from Jordan Cauley.
6. Ceramic hanging picture frames from my brother Ryan. They were a great choice and suit my taste perfectly.
7. My whole set of dishes, but most specifically my teapot, from my mom :)
8. My ipod. Let's face it I would be lost without it and it is probably one of the most used things I own.
9. A "room warming" picture/collage from Stephen Crotts. It has a picture of me, Rockfish and the Prayer of St. Francis on it.
   
10. Sunrise in Tupperware, a song written by my friend Natasha for me our senior of high school that she debuted to me at our Academy graduation party.

I'm one blessed girl, and a bound to be sleepy one if I don't go to bed!

I think this sums up my musical taste fairly well...

As I have not gotten any suggestions for Top 10 lists, I have decided that this post will be of...

My Top 10 Most Played Songs (according to my ipod):

10. Say It Right by Nelly Furtado: 64 times
9. Material Girl by Madonna: 64 times
8. Poor Unfortunate Souls from The Little Mermaid: 64 times
7. Carrying the Banner from Newsies: 67 times
6. Video by India.Arie: 69 times
5. Marry Me by Ed Cash: 71 times
4. King of New York from Newsies: 72 times
3. Seize the Day from Newsies: 76 times
2. Everlong by The Foo Fighters: 79 times

and the number one, most played song according to my ipod is.....

1. Take My Hand by Shawn McDonald: 97 times

The Countdown

I have realized two very important things lately. One, I blog much better (and significantly more consistently) if I give myself a task; and two, I really like countdowns, top 10's and other entertaining lists. Thus the inspiration for my newest blogging venture, Brooke in 10s. And, per Jordan's suggestion, my first Top 10 list is going to be my Top 10 YouTube Videos (ranked in no particular order). So here is goes:

1. Shirley Q. Liquor--Church Slave: Not a day since my junior year of college has gone by without me quoting something from this. It's absolutely hilarious.

2. Rob Paravonian--Pachebel Rant: This guy is brilliant, hilarious, and he plays guitar. And, after you hear it, you hear Pachebel everywhere!

3. Blood: Whenever a kid gets a bloody nose, lip, or anything else, I always have a weird impulse to go "Bloo-da, not fun-nee." This kid is genuinely concerned, but you can't help but laugh.

4. David Hasselhoff on the Berlin Wall: Ok, so this isn't an authenic youtube video, per say, but his jacket is amazing and, let's face it, he is "The Hoff."

5. David After the Dentist: And while I am on the subject of Davids, I have to select this classic piece of greatness. Kids+drugs=funny, I don't care who you are.

6. Kittens Inspired By Kittens: I have to thank my friend Petra for introducting me to this video. Also, I really hope I have a child just like this some day.

7. Evil Strawberry: I almost pee my pants every time. "I'm not stupid anymore!!!!"

8. Ms. Peachez-Fry That Chicken: "I gotta pan, I gotta plan..."

9. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog: Act 1, Part 1: The writer's strike sucked, but it did produce this gem. Oh, Sean Patrick Harris....(Parts 2 and 3 are pretty sweet too)

10. The End of the World: Yes, it's a throwback, but a classic.

So, there you have it. Obviously, this list doesn't include all of the greatness YouTube has to offer, but all guarenteed to produce a hearty laugh, so enjoy.

I'm not sure how long this list-making kick will go on, so if you have things you want itemized...I'm your girl, so bring on the suggestions!

a lot has been going on in my life lately...and i'm really tired on just about every level...and in need of some real time with Jesus.

What the good life is made of...

hobos on the fire. cuddling with some of my favorite children. catching up with friends you haven't seen in awhile. lots of sweet tea. playing at rest stops. painting toe nails. finding at least 40 out of 50 license plates while driving. lots of laughing. trying to fit into little girl dress up clothes. being invisible. good conversation. sharing stories. lots of hugs. girl time. laughing at boys. knowing that some things just don't change that much.

and i got all of this from almost 20 hours in a car and a trip to Alabama :)

At the table

We have had a dining room table and chairs in our apartment for as long as I have lived here (with the exception of the month or so between Alison taking hers and my acquiring my grandparents' old set) and for a great part of that time the table has been used to collect junk and deposit mail. Occasionally we would clean it off to serve food when we had folks over, but more or less it served all the purposes of a junk drawer without the semblance of organization.

Tonight however, Jordan and I both got home about the same time and therefore were cooking dinner about the same time. Upon realizing that our cable had in fact been disconnected in our living room, thus ruining the plans to watch Two and a Half Men while eating at the coffee table, I suggested that we bust out the ol' boombox and have a family dinner, at the table.

It was nice. She ate her steak, I ate my chicken, and we listened to Delilah solve the world's problems via requests and dedications while we talked. God blesses friendships in the simplest things sometimes.

One thing I really value about the way I was raised, especially when we were young and before we all started working, we always ate dinner together as a family--at the dinner table with the television off. There is so much value to that and if the Lord blesses me with a family some day, I have every intention of carrying on the tradition.

I'm not entirely sure what to make out of this?!

Guessing my age is always a fun game to play with kids, mostly because they are horrible judges of age and have zero sense of my age in relation to theirs, so I get some pretty hilarious answers. Although, this one might take the cake:

Me: How old do you think I am?

various guesses from various children

Jamont: You're 50!

Me: Really? Do I look 50 to you?

Jamont: Well, you kind of look like Michael Jackson (who was 50 for those of you who somehow missed that)

Me: Well I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.

Jamont: Mmmm...compliment!

Me: Well, ok.

That's funny, I don't care who you are; although, I am not entirely sure how I feel about being compared to the MJ.

I laughed at this

I have been helping coach a t-ball team at the Y this spring and this is just a glimpse of why I love kindergartners:

While on first base during practice:

ME: "Eugene, are you ready for the ball?"

EUGENE: "I'm ready for my butt."

ME: (laughing hysterically) "I don't know what that means but let's not say that"

EUGENE: "OK"

"I'm on Birthday Crack"

...and that is a direct quote from me about 20 minutes ago.

I love birthdays, and not just my birthday, but birthdays in general. I think it is fun to be able to celebrate your friends for a whole day and it's just fun for folks to get their time to be the center of attention for a bit. But don't get me wrong, I do love my birthday too (mostly because I have wonderful people in my life who always make it special).

Over the years I have had a wide variety of birthday experiences.

As a young child I remember making my own birthday cakes (chocolate cake with chocolate icing and M&Ms on top, of course!).

On my 11th birthday I remember being pulled out of school early because my dad was getting his liver transplant, so we spent the day at Duke hospital. I also remember my mom taking me to the mall and getting this awesome pair of blue shoes with daisies all over them (I still have them at home).

On my 13th birthday I had my first "blow out" boy/girl party which was pretty fun, except the fact that I found out my "boyfriend" had been "cheating" on me. I would be lying if I said it didn't tear me up. I was also finally allowed to start wearing makeup.

On my 14th birthday I was in Washington, DC on my 8th grade graduation trip.

On my 16th birthday I got the first of 7 annual trips into the Rockfish lake. I also remember having one of the few bouts of homesickness I've had in my life. I got two of the BEST handmade birthday cards from some of my very first campers at Rockfish and my pearl earrings.

On my 18th birthday I was annoyed that graduation was the same day and that meant having to go back to Myrtle Beach High School (because who cared about my birthday when graduation was taking place!?) BUT I totally got TWO cakes....then I got thrown into the lake a few days later.

On my 19th birthday I spent my last few hours of being a teenager in the kitchen at Rockfish, making parflesnarf cake, listening to Stephen tell a totally BS story that made Jordan pee her pants, and riding down the ramp at the dining hall on a kitchen cart banging pots and pans...then quickly aborting the mission when I realized there was a group in the Bergland :)...and I got thrown in the lake.

On my 21st birthday Anissa had a surprise girls spa night for me during staff training. I got my pearl necklace from my grandparents and a diamond necklace from my mom...and I got thrown in the lake.

On my 22nd birthday I remember laying in my bed, all jacked up from exhaustion, and going on and on about this lightning bug that was in our room wishing me a happy birthday only to have my dear friend Petra point out the fact it was the light on the smoke detector...and we laughed for a l-o-n-g time....and I got thrown in the lake (for the last time).

And today, on my 23rd birthday I had my first non-camp birthday in awhile...but it was full of lots of smiles and cards and "Happy Birthdays" and funny phone calls. I got to eat lunch with friends from the Y, the afternoon off, and Jordan took me to the Melting Pot for dinner so I go to bed with an extremely full belly and a happy heart.

5 Things I am thankful for today:

1. The message from Charlotte that reminded me that today is the celebration of the day I came into the world and was no longer a fetus :)
2. Being on facebook and watching the little red notification flag pop up.
3. Getting to share birthday cake with so many people today.
4. That Katie S., Erica, and Brittany Brock are as funny as, if not funnier than, Hoops and YoYo
5. That it is finally warm enough to be outside when it rains! Nothing like walking through a light summer rain.
   

Day Thirty

Today officially marks the end of the Thirty Days of Thankfulness.

It's been a good exercise for me, but like with anything there have been ups and downs. I started out with so much excitement and enthusiasm, there were days when I observed and lived in anticipation of finding things to be thankful for. And then were there days when I didn't feel like being thankful at all or where I sat at my computer stumped, trying to come up with my five. I'm so human.

I've learned some important things though:

• I am not at a place where thankfulness necessarily comes naturally yet, I'd like to get there
  
• Sometimes the things that I am thankful for are just things that make me laugh...and I don't think that is a bad thing.
• I would like to be as excited about my walk with the Lord everday as I was when I started this 30 days ago...an excitement about what the Lord can and will do!
• I want to continue in this discipline, perhaps not posting it on here, but in my time with the Lord, being intentional about my thankfulness for what he has done and is doing daily.

So, here it is folks, that last thankfulness post. Enjoy!

Day Thirty:

1. Everyone who has been reading this blog and the little ways I have seen the Lord use it.
2. That there are some people who I know will just always be a part of my life.
3. Getting to talk to Brittany Brock today!!!
4. Awkward moments that make funny stories later
5. People who desire to make the Lord known in the world around them
   

Grand Finale

It's no secret that I love reality television, and the show that by far has my heart is The Biggest Loser. This season was a particularly good season. Not only was it the biggest cast ever (as in the largest people), there was a lot less drama, and just a lot of seeing people change. And that's exciting. Yes, it's TV and yes, it's perhaps silly to get a little choked up each episode...but it makes me happy. And Tara just LOST for the first time all season, and this was the big one...GOOOOO Helen!!

Day Twenty-nine:

1. The opportunity to share, in a very small way, in what Community Hope has been doing by attending their end of the year banquet.
2. Getting all my rosters done before the track starts tomorrow
   
3. Finally working out again after over a week of doing nothing
4. Driving past beautiful fields at dusk
5. A nice place to come home to after a long day
   

Getting back in the swing

I don't have a whole lot to write about today. It was a pretty typical day, not a bad day by any means, not an especially exciting one either. It's one of those days where time went by really fast even though you feel like you've been moving slow...

...and I know that I was moving slow mostly because I felt like I hadn't been to work in weeks. Between my trip with my mom, the YRS retreat, and Seafarer, it has been quite a while since I've spent an entire day in the office and I just feel like I had to get back into my groove. And of course, the downside to any time away from work is coming back to all the odds and ends that piled up in your absence that you have to tackle. and it was a Monday...and it was raining....

sigh... :)

Day Twenty-eight:

1. Waking up earlier than usual and starting the day off without rushing
2. The good fortune to not only have food to eat, but to have the kinds of food I enjoy to eat
3. My girls Eva and Molly who hang out with me in the office every afternoon
   
4. Anticipation about the business of the summer that will be here soon enough
5. Conviction from the Lord
   

OMG

On the way to church this morning, Jordan filled me in that the title of JD's new sermon series is "OMG!" I liked it without even knowing what he was preaching about.

As it turns out, he's preaching on prayer, which sounds good to me because it's definitely an area where I'd like to see growth. I really enjoy corporate prayer, I've experienced the power of prayer, I know the necessity of it, but so often I lack motivation or don't set apart the time in my day to really devote to talking to God. That needs to change.

Anywho, the sermon, per usual, gave me some good things to think about, and while I could simply copy my notes from the sermon, I want to focus in on what JD focused on as "The 3 Things That Are ALWAYS TRUE About God" because what we think and believe about who God is greatly affects the stance we take towards him and the stance we take towards him affects our worship of him. It's important to keep these things in mind because the circumstances of our lives do not always prompt us to worship, but when we focus on these truths, we have no choice but to worship joyfully.

Three Truths About God

1. God is in loving control: "If ever there was a time where it seemed like evil was in total control, it was at the cross, BUT it fulfilled God's will" We all face times in our lives when we feel like God is turning his back on us and the matters of our lives. Bad things happen, evil exists, and people will hurt us, but what is so awesome is that (to quote JD) "Satan has never come up with a plan to which God didn't answer 'That's perfect. It will suit my will perfectly.'" Anything that Satan or any person could use for evil against you is an opportunity to see God's hand in your life even when we don't see it at the time. What is important is that when we are faced with these challenges we are emotionally honest with God to admit the pain but intellectually humble enough to admit there are things about God that we just won't understand.
2. God acts according to great mercy: And mercy is God not giving us what we deserve while grace is giving us what we don't deserve. By our very nature we are sinful and deserve the wrath of God, but the very fact that we wake up every morning is a demonstration of God's mercy towards us. Not understanding God's mercy towards us can really affect our relationship with him. If you are constantly thinking that you deserve God's wrath, you will feel guilty with his mercy. And if you think you don't deserve wrath, you can harbor resentment towards God when life doesn't go the way you think it should.
3. God is tender towards us: "The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made" (Psalm 145:17). God will provide for the things we need, he will lift us up when we fall, fix us when we are broken, watch over us and protect us. We are his creation and his stance towards us is love and he loves us tenderly.

To tie all of this pack to the topic of worship and prayer, how we view God determines how we worship. If God is nothing but useful to us, a means to an end or a way to make us feel better, we will have to discipline ourselves to pray. But if we embrace the truths above and God becomes beautiful to us, it is our joy to pray.

Day Twenty-seven:

1. Finding a church where I walk away each week with a new perspective
2. Seeing people who are truly joyful about the Lord
3. A good cry at a good movie
4. Getting some order back to my room
5. My mother, of course. She is a wonderful lady.
   

One, Two, Three Strikes You're Out!

Baseball season has begun...and so has tee-ball season and I am quite excited because I have decided to volunteer and help one of the directors coach a tee ball team...The Rockies!

Today was our first practice and we definitely have a winning team on our hands ;) We have about 10 kids on the team and each one is as cute as can be. Obviously, some kids have more of a clue than others, but I think they are all ready to have some fun, and that's what is important. We worked on the basics today--what the positions are, ALWAYS run to first base first, how to field a ball, learning everybody's names, that sort of stuff. I'll actually have to miss our first game and a few practices, but I'm really excited...I'll make sure to keep everyone posted :)

Day Twenty-six:

1. The helpful sales girls at the mall today :)
2. Hanging out with the team today
3. Fresh baked cookies
4. A sense of accomplishment that comes from doing laundry
5. To reflect on the accomplishments of all my friends who graduated today
   

Catching up is hard to do

Given the reason for my absence the past few days, it would only be appropriate to start off this entry with a big ol' Ahoy There!

The trip to Camp Seafarer was a blast. It was fun to be back in summer camp mode, even if it was only for a few days. The trip was a good reminder of why I love resident camping so much. When you put kids in an environment that is so different from what they experience at home and you live in a cabin with them, you get to see different facets of their personalities and I love that. I love how relaxed camp is and how it just allows you to be away from normal for it a bit. Maybe one day God will put me back into the camping world.

The set-up at Seafarer is pretty sweet. Just about everything is on the water, which is cool; the cabins are huge with lots of room for stuff and hanging out (plus they have bathrooms in them!); the mess hall has a nice set up (I wish I could have seen the kitchen) and they definitely have their mealtimes down to a science. Supervision and accountability was a little more lax than I'm used to in that setting, but it seemed to work. I also liked that it had a very old-school summer camp feel with the bugle and the flag raising/lowering each day.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to work at an all girls camp. I mean, I definitely love being able to pour into young girls, and that would have been an ideal setting, and it definitely cuts out a whole mess of problems by eliminating boys. I have to say that I really enjoyed getting to spend time with the middle school girls this week. It's just fun to see what they get excited about, what they worry about, and to take a moment to be proud when they are doing the right thing and others aren't. The four of us had a rockin' time. I'm really glad I got the chance to go :)

Day Twenty-three (Wednesday):

1. That God has given me the ability to do decent devotions with teenage girls, even without much notice.
2. Arriving safely to Seafarer today and for the rain holding off, at least for now
3. That every group of campers always the one weird kid
4. Playing kickball
5. Getting to see how other camps run and what their traditions are

Day Twenty-four (Thursday):

1. The smell of honeysuckle on a warm breeze
2. Not waking up to an alarm clock
3. Getting to try something completely new (Sailing!)
4. How ridiculous middle schoolers are
5. That God has given me a liking for the weird kids

Day Twenty-five (Friday):

1. That no matter how "plugged in" and technologically advanced/demanding kids get, some of the simple joys of childhood are still around
2. Watching kids have the chance to get really excited about something that is new to them
3. Going to the movies. It is one of my absolutely favorite things to do (even though I don't do it often because they cost so much)
4. That my camera arrived and appears to be safe, sound, and in proper working order
5. Getting to watch and be proud of how well behaved my girls were this week
   

Updates from my time in NYC are still to come...

On the road again...

Well, the successful return home on Sunday is met with opening up the ol' duffle once again and heading back out of town. For the next three days I will be heading with Track Out over to Arapahoe, NC to hang out at Camp Seafarer. I'm excited. I don't think it comes as a surprise to anyone that I love resident camping and since this summer will be the first summer in fourteen years that I won't be at at any resident camp, I think this trip will be a nice little fix. It's always fun to get back into the cabin and flex the counseling muscles a bit ;)

With that being said, I must get to bed because it's going to be a long (but fun) next few days.

Day Twenty-two:

1. That, according to the boy in Chic-fil-A today, 1+1= flower; ow+ow=tooth; and 3+3=6
2.The celebration of Cinco de Mayo with Taco Bell, Margarita flavored Bartles and James, and Enrique Inglesias.
3. That Jordan and I made it home safely during the storm earlier. It was pretty intense.
4. Seeing change in people, and celebrating that change when it comes.
5.Alarm clocks with short snooze times...otherwise I would not get out of bed in the morning.

I'm OK with being a guinea pig

I have a very faint memory from my childhood of doing some product testing for a company. I know it was when we still lived in West Virginia and I am pretty sure my friend Leslie was there as well. In all honesty, I have very little recollection of the products we actually tested, all I know, is that for sitting in a room and looking at pictures and stuff, I got a trial size of DEP hair gel (strange I know, but I think it was somehow associated with a Barbie that you were supposed to be able to style her hair or something) and Fruit Rollups--that is a sweet deal when you are a kid. I blame that experience entirely for my affinity for free things :)

Truth is, I like doing research--from product testing, academic research, or just random queries of friends. I like filling out surveys and I like giving my opinion and sharing my experiences. It's fun to me. All that to say, I have decided to once again to volunteer my services as a product researcher and I am quite excited about it.

Day Twenty-one:

1. Creative people who create little nuggets of gold like this
2. Rediscovering old songs I like but haven't thought about it awhile
3. A productive day of discussion and evaluation (and sharing stories)
4. The smell of rain and the sound of it outside my window
5. Customer service representatives who do not act as if you are wasting their time or are stupid

I will play catch up later

...as you will find out when I get around to updating on the past few days, this weekend was eventful to say the least, so it was nice to have the afternoon and evening to relax. I was not entirely motivated to update on the past three days, but I was motivated to make a decision about the Nikon D60 and I decided to get it.

In other news, whenever I fly I always have the song "The Thing About Airplanes" by Andrew Peterson playing in my head. In particular, the line that says "Now the thing about airplanes I've noticed this time / is you can't look ahead, and you can't look behind / but you can see where you are when you look out the side / you can try to recover some peace." It's a song about longing, about discontentment, about disappointment, about wanting to be somewhere other than where you are at the moment even when you are in the midst of something perfectly good ("you know I love flying, especially at night";"the works of my Maker I'm flying beside")...I think it's pretty true of life too.

Flying is completely transitional. You know where you are coming from and you can anticipate where you will end up, but for however long you are in the plane, you are there with pretty much nowhere to go---you are trapped yet constantly moving forward.

It's easy to fall into the same mindset with life. It's easy to start to feel restless. It's easy to feel trapped by where you are in life. It's easy to feel discontent even when nothing is wrong with life. We can get nostalgic for the past and fantasize about the future and completely miss where we are in the present, yet life keeps going on whether we choose to realize it or not. I have found that is is when we most fully embrace the present, we are most content in it.

I know that I do my fair share of overlooking the present, but as a believer, it's so contradictory to what I know to be true--my past is forgotten and my (immediate) future is not promised and I already know my ultimate destination, that leaves no choice but to be a good steward of my time in the present.

Day Twenty:

1. For returning home safely and having time to relax.
2. That I am fortunate enough to be able to do and have the things that make me happy.
3. Window seats on airplanes
4. That I get to sleep in a little bit tomorrow
5. Tiny surprises from the bff when I get home (we're growing plants!)
   

Packing

I am a terrible packer. I always wait until the very last minute to do it. I always pack more stuff than I need. And I often over-estimate the amount of shoes that I will need (I also tend to over-estimate the long term comfort of shoe choices). I am going up to New York this weekend and I am almost positive that everything I packed will be, to a degree, a bad choice, because my mind still wants to dress for North Carolina. Oh well...I will live. There is also a chance of rain...boo that.

I am very excited about the trip though. Starting two years ago, my mom and I decided to take an annual trip. We originally planned on it being to Charleston, because we both love going down there, but this year we decided to take a trip up the New York. We will be staying with my aunt and uncle in New Jersey and then spend a day in NYC and another day in Philadelphia. It will be action packed, but I think it will be fun. Aaand, I am FINALLY going to see Wicked, which I am obviously psyched out of my mind about. And fun fact, one of the families from the Y is going to be at the same show. Small world, eh?

I'm not entirely sure I would want to call New York City home forever, but I definitely would like to live there for a year or two at some point in my life. I think a lot of people have that same desire, and I know it's definitely been on my mind for the past couple of years. I just think it would be an exciting time to see the city in its fullness, not just snapshot glimpses on weekend trips.

On a side note, I do not plan on taking my computer with me on my trip, so my posts for the next couple of days will be postponed, but no worries, they will come :)

Day Sixteen:

1. That I mange to operate pretty well even when I don't get enough sleep
2. That my mom gives me a call whenever she has bible questions
3. For everyone who is giving me input about my decision to buy a camera (I still haven't decided)
4. The opportunity to work out with a trainer. Not only is it good for taking care of my body, it's cool to see a different side of the Y
5. That Facebook, while without a doubt a terrible time waster, is a wonderful tool for catching up with people, without which I would do much less of
   

Thoughts from the salon chair

Sometimes I go onto the Wake Tech website and think about what would be a fun degree to pick up in my spare time.

I have really considered Baking and Pastry Arts several times, because I really want to make beautiful, edible goodies. I love watching Food Network Challenge and Ace of Cakes, not thinking I'd ever be that good, but thinking that it would be fun to try my hand at cake decorating and construction and whatnot. Plus, I am itching to play with fondant...I'm fascinated by it.

I've also considered Cosmetology. I feel like that could be such an awesome way to minister to people. I think everyone, at least every girl I know, understands the difference a "cute day" versus a "fat day" can make, and a lot of times when we feel like we are looking our best on the outside, it gives us a boost to let all the good things on the inside show too. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% inner beauty is more important than hair, make-up, and clothes, but it just breaks my heart when I watch shows or see people who have such low self-image that they can't see anything good in themselves, they don't even see themselves as worth investing any time on.

As I was getting my hair cut today and listening to and watching the people around me I thought, how fun it must be when you know you've given someone a great haircut that they love. That can do a lot for a person. Then I thought, what if I could have a job that would help others, especially girls and women, see just how beautiful they are? Just think of the doors it would open to speak truth into those lives about where their true worth comes from, and I think it would be a great reminder to myself about where my true worth comes from.

I'll just add it to the life to-do list :)

Day Fifteen:

1. Random quests for knowledge brought upon by Jordan
2. Freshly cut hair in a style that I really like :)
3. Encouragement that comes from hearing what the Lord has done in other people's lives
4. My upcoming trip to NYC with mi madre
   
5. Quiet moments in my car over my lunch break to just sit and enjoy the sun
   

The internet is a dark, scary abyss...

...one that I get sucked into far too often.

I love the internet for various reasons. Communication with just about everyone I know is at my fingertips...I can get answers to burning questions like "Did that dude ever do any other movies?" or "What's the name of that kid who did that movie about that stuff?" in seconds...I can watch just about anything I can think of from my childhood thanks to somebody on YouTube...and I can spend hours looking at things that I don't need to buy, and thus making me feel somewhat more materialistic than I probably already am.

I have been pondering the idea of a digital SLR for sometime now. When they first came out, they were way out of my price range, but over the years a decent camera has become quite reasonably priced and my income has become much more steady than it has been the past few years. And recently, I have been doing a lot of browsing around on several websites and have found some potentially really sweet deals on the camera that I am thinking about.

But when it really comes down to it, I don't need it, I just want it. And while I feel like I am in a phase of life where it is slightly more acceptable to be a little more self-indulgent, I am still quite torn. And what is worse is that the more I look into them, the more obligated I feel to actually buy one now that I've invested so much time.

Plus, I am incredibly indecisive.

What to do about my soul.....

Day Fourteen:

1. That I live in a neighborhood with so many children. They provide endless moments of entertainment.
2. That a song I like came on the radio in the weight room that gave me that extra few minutes of motivation to finish my workout.
3. Fresh strawberries that Jordan was willing to share with me.
4. Random phone calls from my friend Petra.
5. That the Lord wakes me up every morning :)
   

Unexpected Behavior

"Our sin is disgusting, and Jesus became that sin for us." JD Greear

By human standards, Jesus wasn't right in the head. It's pretty obvious when you think about the crucifixion. It wasn't just some nice gesture, or even just an act of fulfillment to the prophets. It was a brutal display of pure hatred taken on by Jesus for the sake of people who stood in direct opposition to him (which is what we were in our sin). Jesus took our place--the principle of substitution. This is the first part of what JD spoke about today.

Jesus didn't just take our place on the cross, throughout the gospel of Matthew we can see Jesus reliving the steps of the nation of Israel, but rather than leaving a legacy marked with disobedience and turmoil, Jesus lives as we ought. His life early on begins with an exile out of Egypt. He spends 4o nights in the desert just like the Israelites spent 40 years. He gives the new law to the people from the mount, just as the Israelites received the law from Moses from atop the mountain. Jesus is baptized not because he needed to repent of anything for himself, but because he was standing in for all of us, who are in desperate need of redemption, thus allowing God's words to him ("This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.") to be God's words to us.

The second part of JD's sermon was about how absolutely essential it is for us to find our identity in those words God speaks over us and not in the lies that Satan feeds us. In the desert when Jesus was being tempted, the devil isn't neccesarily tempting Jesus in the physical world. Rather, he is trying to make him doubt the identity God had just bestowed upon him at his baptism. The devil isn't telling Jesus he is not the Son of God, he is just raising the "if" questions, that when posed to any human mind would lead to at least a temporary identity crisis. But not Jesus, he is able to combat the devil's tempations by believing as truth what God says about him.

There are some lessons that I feel like God has to present to me over and over again (it's proof that God pursues his children), and the one of finding my identity in Christ is one of them. For years I have struggled with constantly comparing myself to others and with putting my worth and identity in the opinions that others have of me (or worse, not what they actually think but what I think they think). It's definitely the most prominent way the devil tries to pull my mind away from God. It's so hard to grasp the idea that Jesus loves me completely and to hold on tight to that concept. But what's harder than that is to give God's opinion the weight it should have. It's one thing to get it and another thing to believe it.

Day Thirteen:

1. The little boy at Target today who was very excited about finding THREE pairs of shoes in his mom's size.
   
2. That God has allowed me to keep up with a few campers from summers gone by and that I am able to influence the people they are becoming.
3. The whole genre of children's fantasy.
   
4. Getting to watch some of the girls from my small group get baptized today after church.
5. Online radio stations that play nothing but showtunes.
   

PickleFest 09

A month or so into Jordan and I living together, we had the idea to start hitting up local random festivals. It started with the Fiesta del Pueblo and the Greek Festival over at the state fair grounds, and it expanded into us looking up all sorts festivals across the state and putting them into our handy, dandy "social events calendar." We plan these trips more than we actual attend them (things come up, ya know), but one just can't pass up something like the Pickle Festival in good ol' Mt. Olive, NC.

So, that is what we did today and I'm a better (and rather sunburnt) person for it, although I was somewhat disappointed at the lack of overall pickle culture. I mean, they handed out free pickles, which was pretty sweet, Mr. Crisp was walking around, and there really are Pickle Princesses, but other than that, it's a lot like the state fair--turkey legs, funnel cakes, and a wide variety of people from all walks of life :) I just feel like if you have a theme, you need to go all out. For example, if you are going to be having pig and duck races, the pigs should be in pickle costumes. If you are going to have a car show, I think the contestants should have to work a pickle theme into their presentation. And EVERY food stand should have some sort of signature pickle related food. I could do great things with a festival like that.

Anywho, the day wore me completely out, so I'm off to bed now.

Day Twelve:

1. The people of Mt. Olive who take pride in their town. They provided hours of entertainment today.
2. That I can watch Son-in-Law over and over again and still find it funny each time.
3. Cocoa Butter and the soothing effect it has on my sunburt skin
4. People who are willing to be silly in public places. Like the man on the bus today who was talking like Arnlod Schwarzenegger.
5. Chilidogs and icecream.
   

Made It...barely

I set out to start this post much earlier than now, but I got distracted...so I am just barely getting today's list in.

Day Eleven:

1. The little girl who told me she wanted to invite me to her birthday party
   
2. The woman at the Gap today who was sincerely realizing how great she looked in jeans
3. Hugh Grant double features on a Friday night
4. Sleeping with the window open :)
5. Zebra print flip flops (too bad there are no more safari days)

Tomorrow is the Pickle Festival in Mt. Olive and I have to admit I am pretty psyched out of my mind. They apparently give out tons of free pickles, have a pickle launch, pickle bowling, and a pickle packing contest. Oh, and not to mention the Pickle Princess pageant!

Tired

Man, I am about as worn out as a lady can get today. I have had trouble falling asleep the past few nights and I think it's finally catching up with me. I'm so not in college anymore.

Speaking of college, I can't believe it's been almost an entire year since I graduated. That is totally nuts! A year went by so fast. This time last year I was doing about 101 things at once and living off Diet Coke and Cheddar Chex Mix as I was finishing up my thesis, studying for exams, doing presentations, and squeezing in last minutes of tomfoolery.

Enough on that, this child needs to get to bed.

Day Ten:

1. That my mom and my house are ok even though Myrtle Beach has apparently gone up in flames.
2. The Office--it makes me laugh.
3. That tomorrow is Friday. I'm just tired and need to get some sleep.
4. Motivation
5. That I have actually stuck with my commitment in these posts and not let my laziness or sleepiness get in the way.
   

I guess they like me...

...or if not...i am getting very mixed signals ;)

Today was Administrative Professionals Appreciation Day and I had no clue.

So I pull up to the Y this morning and I notice something weird is on my office window. My first thought was "What did after school do to my office?" (Sorry FGT). But when I walked inside I was overwhelmed with a display of streamers, balloons, flowers, and all sorts of goodies :) The directors had decorated my office just for the occasion! It was totally a surprise and it just made my heart happy. They are too good to me, seriously. It 's always encouraging to hear that you are doing a good job and that you are contributing to the team, but in all honestly, I have been more than supported in my job and I know that is a HUGE factor in why I am able to get things done.

This is as I walked in the door....

...and this is my desk (check out the fancy streamer job)

See what I mean, spoiled!Handcrafted my Meredith Cox herself. "It's green, because you like green" :)

I wonder who might have been the creator of this work of art?

And of course, the BEAUTIFUL flowers. So pretty I had to go home and take pictures :)

Day Nine:

1. I think it goes without saying, the opportunity to have the job I do and work with the people that I do and all the kindness they bestow on me.
2. That the state licensing people were not scary or mean and were willing to help me understand what I need to do to meet compliance.
3. Classic Rock-n-Roll music and the boogie woogie piano.
4. That I am going to the Pickle Festival with my bff on Saturday.
5. That the best costume I saw today was put together by a little girl and her daddy :)
   

The written word

I will take the written word over the spoken word any day-- for a couple reasons.

One, I am a much better writer than I am a speaker. I can look over something I have written and give myself a pat on the back; but if I have to watch myself speaking publicly or hear myself recorded, I want to cringe and back into a corner. And while I can eloquently present something to a group if I want (usually after writing everything out) and there are times when I know the Lord gives me the words to carry on good conversations, on the whole, I wouldn't say expressing myself verbally is a strong suit.

Second, I love the tangibility of the written word. You can have a good conversation with someone, and you might remember a significant phrase verbatim or you can recall the gist of what they were saying, but if you receive a really good letter, that's yours to keep and you can revisit it whenever you want. That's what is so amazing about Scripture; it is a letter from God that we can just read over and over again until the binding gets tattered or we've written all over the page or whatever :) It's a tangible tool from God.

Also, I like to be cautious with the words that I say and I get frustrated when I don't feel like I have adequately communicated what I want to say, so the written word allows me to get everything out the way I want it to be without getting sidetracked.

Now, I am by no means undermining the importance of face to face contact or the necessity of verbal communication, I just know what I like better. And I think the Lord has given me a gift and a passion for writing, and lately I feel like He has been calling me to use it to encourage others. I think that is part of why I have been so excited about blogging more consistently this past week or so--I like writing for an audience (even if it is a small one), especially if it's something I think the Lord can use to encourage them. So, I hope that is what this blog is doing. Yes, the challenge has been good for me personally, but I want it to reach further than my own growth and walk with the Lord.

Day Eight:

1. My Summit small group. I have been really blessed to get plugged in with such a great group of ladies and I am excited and hopeful that the Lord will continue to grow our group and our relationships.
2. That today half of my day consisted of playing on a playground with kids.
3. That all those years of watching professional wrestling paid off by having something "cool" to talk about with a 5th grade boy
4. For the Chic-fil-A on Six Forks...Obviously I love their food and their sweet tea (and I probably eat there more than I should), but I am thankful for the staff who work there and for their having such a great environment. I spend many a lunch break there and I feel quite welcome to sit and read or write while I'm eating my kids meal :) The people watching is great too.
5. That my friends Brandon and Ansley are pregnant. I CANNOT WAIT to see their baby girl.
   

Self Control

Overall, I would say I exhibit a pretty good measure of self-control in my life, and I think people who know me would say the same. I don't usually let my emotions get the best of me, I can hold my tongue (usually), I can wait for something I want to go on sale, I understand and chose to live in a way that I feel glorifies to Lord, even if it means on missing out on something in the here and now. BUT one area where I exhibit significantly less self-control is when I crave something specific to eat. And mind you, these cravings can be absurd and strange combinations (corn on the cob and donut holes; milkshakes and burritos for example). I don't mean it in a gluttonous way, or as in I just eat whatever (if that was the case my butt would be on The Biggest Loser), but it's like once I get my mind set on something specific, nothing else just quite satisfies.

It's this very craving-driven determiniation that binds my friend Katie and I together. I can always count on her not only sympathizing with but partaking in the strange quests for whatever we happen to be craving at the time. Perhaps one of our first bonding moments was sometime, I guess freshman year, when I came into her room proclaiming "OMG I need a cheeseburger!!" and we immediately had to go to Jack in the Box :)

I tell that story for two reasons.

One, I got it in my head last night that I really wanted chili cheese fries and thus I made a trip to the grocery store after work (and working out) to get all the ingredients, and I thus enjoyed a wonderful dinner.

Second, I have to laugh at myself for the reality of how single-mindedly focused I can be sometimes on such silly (and maybe some not so silly) things, not just random cravings, but a lot of other little fixations in my life. If I would just take half the time I spend planning for or thinking about those things and direct that craving and driveness towards pursuing Christ, imagine the doors He could open and the things He could do through me. Jesus is better than a burrito flavored cheeseburger with a side of donut holes and a milkshake to drink, and He deserves Lordship over my entire life as silly and ridiculous as I may be.

Something JD said in his sermon yesterday was, "If Jesus is not Lord of all of your life, then He's not Lord at all." Heavy. Perhaps I went around my elbow to get to my butt to get to this point, but why is it that I am so willing to submit my will in some areas and so unwilling in others?

Ahh, the things the Lord can reveal through chili fries :)

Day Seven:

1. BIG hugs from little children I haven't seen in twelve weeks :)
2. That my mom loves to send things in the mail
3. When rainy mornings end up in beautiful afternoons
4. That I get to share in the excitement and joy of the upcoming weddings of some of my dear friends
5. That the Lord likes to give me "projects" when I'm trying to fall asleep
   

Do the Freddie

One of the things that I love most about being out of college is that weekends are actually weekends. In school, Sundays were very rarely a day of rest. Sure we would take a long, leisurely lunch after church and sometimes we would make a trip to the lake, but ultimately Sunday's were bogged down with wrapping up (or starting) all the work I had put off until then and meetings for various things. So, it's nice to have that real separation of work and rest and to enjoy relaxing.

And even though today might have been a relaxing day, I accomplished plenty of worthwhile things. I went to church and JD preached a sermon that I still need to do some unpacking and reflecting on because it was pretty heavy (there will probably be more on it, once I've got my thoughts together). When I got home I made a delicious small stack of banana and chocolate chip pancakes and took parenting notes from the Duggers :) Their total lack of television watching naturally inspired me to reminisce about all of the things that I most enjoyed watching on TV as a child, which resulted in watching Troop Beverly Hills and a variety of clips on YouTube (where would we be without YouTube?). Lastly but definitely not least, I created a Pandora station for Freddie and the Dreamers, the creators of this little gem. It's the little things friend :)

Day Six:

1. The diversity in the choir at church. Black, white, young, old--a little bit of everyone represented and it's a little glimpse into what heaven will be like.
2. Color--life would be so boring without it.
3. That we always seemed to have music on when we were kids.
4. For my dear friend Katie Simmons and her reminding me about our Eat-vangelism seminar...those were the days :)
5. Reopened doors of communication with family members I haven't talked to in years.
   

Summer will be here soon enough

I love warm, sunshiney spring days like today because they allow us to enjoy a sense of carefree-ness and relaxation often associated with summer amidst the business of wrapping up the end of another school year and whatnot. Plus, in the spring the sunshine is still new and exciting after the winter and people aren't quite ready to complain about the heat, sweat and humidity :)

On a day like today I do miss being at Winthrop simply because it would have been an absolutely perfect day for sitting by the lake and reading a good book with friends, and I quite miss the tulips all over campus. Oh how I love tulips.

Today was a perfectly lovely day in Raleigh however. It was a wonderful day for driving with the sunroof open and the tunes cranking, and fortunately for me I had a reason to drive out to Wendell for a cookout with some track out folks. Burgers, baby, potatoes guns, and passing on the punching food game. Good day.

Day Five:

1. The crickets chirrping outside my window
2. Getting to hold and play with a beautiful baby boy today
3. Homemade pizza
4. Freshly painted fingers and toes :)
5. The Moody's hospitality in letting us come over and enjoy time together
   

Friday--Day Four

The past two days have been blessed with good conversation. I will admit that initiating and carrying on conversations is not always my strength, but I love to see when the Lord really allows conversations to flow freely, whether it's in the form of encouraging, teaching, or just catching up with a friend. It's nice.

I felt like I accomplished a lot today (even if I didn't get everything done that I wanted to), and that is a good feeling to be able to check things off of a list and see things slowly coming together. And while this track has not been bad by any means and I have seen a great deal of growth in our team, I am glad to see it go and for a new group of kids to come in on Monday. It will just be nice for things to settle down for a bit.

I was able to share some ideas for Camp Rock tonight with some friends and I just get more excited each time I start brainstorming and trying to plan things out. I haven't really "done" anything yet, but I truly believe the Lord is going to bless this camp this summer and I'm anxious to see what that will look like.

Day Four

1. SUNSHINE and Flip Flops :)
2. Seeing growth and improvement in some of our kids from the start of the track to the end
3. Having dinner with Jordan and Lukas
4. For excitement about the summer
5. Thinking about middle school and how thankful I am to have grown up since then
   

I suck at going to bed at a decent hour

Today was an eventful day at Track Out. I go on my lunch break at 11:30 and I come back and I see one of our campers being carried out to her car (rolled ankle--don't get too worried) and my co-worker filling out not one but TWO incident reports. It was a year round early release day, so between 11:30 and 12:45 we had extra children show up and all of the normal directors were off at their after school sites, and I had more than one child visit my office for a variety of issues ranging from being tired, to needing a break, to not listening, to having ripped an impressive and quite large hole in his/her pants. Not to mention the normal day to day tasks of getting bus rosters ready and fielding phone calls and whatnot. I wouldn't put it down as a bad day, just eventful. Oh, then at around 3:40 I realized I had a credit card log due at 3 that I completely had in my head was due tomorrow and I had not even started on it! Yay!

Despite the craziness of the day, I came home completely satisfied with it. It's one of those nights where it just all the sudden became much later than I thought and I'm not particularly tired and I am just sort of in the mood to socialize (I'm sure I will feel it in the morning--oh well). Needless to say, today is a day that I am thankful for, partially due to the following things:

Day Three

1. Compliments from friends about something small that you wouldn't expect them to notice.
2. A night full of multiple good conversations with both co-workers and roommates and thusly the bonding/relationship development that goes with it
3. An opportunity to build up someone else
4. A gospel song that definitely had a hook from "Beat It" (yes, the Michael Jackson song) in it
5. A day without TV
   

I Win

I like to make up games. Usually they are games I play with myself just for a chuckle and sometimes I invite others to join. Some of my favorite are: Guess What Someone is Going to Order from a Restaurant (are they a burger person? chicken person? Lemon or no lemon in their tea?), If You Had a Theme Song That Would Play Every Time You Entered a Room What Would It Be? (Bootylicious, hands down); and If Money Was Not on Issue, What Luxuries Would You Pay For?(someone to stretch me out daily). This is what I do with my time and today---I won. I actually got one of the things from my game to happen.

I have recently signed up for Personal Training with one of the trainers at the Y. And while I am not the least physically fit person around, I could use some shaping up and getting into a good routine, so I thought this would be good motivation. For a first session I think it went pretty well. We did mostly weights and while I'm not paralyzed from muscle soreness, I have a nice little post-workout burn. So after hopping on machine after machine working all the different muscles, my trainer was like, "Lay down on the mat so I can stretch you out." It was glorious. Totally worth the work.

Five Things I am Thankful For Today:

1. The five little girls who were dressed in head to toe cheetah attire, who crawled around the floor and for the little boy who "hunted" them.
2. Warm showers for sore muscles :)
3. A gradually recovering immune system
   
4. Chocolate chip pancakes for dinner
5. The song "Video" by India.Arie
   

An afterthought about thankfulness

After I posted my entry last night, I was thinking about how I need to make a concerted effort to be more aware of the blessings in my life--that if I want to live Easter everyday, that I need to find the reasons to rejoice everyday, something that I don't always do.

So, I decided to give myself a personal challenge in being more aware and thankful for things in my life. I am hoping that if I set an actual goal for myself, and commit to updating it on here, that I might actually go through with one of my many plans to step up my walk with the Lord rather than letting it fall to the side and sit there.

The challenge is this...for the next 30 days I will post five specific things that I am thankful for and I am not allowed to say anything more than once. If I can't find at least five new things a day to be thankful for, I have bigger issues.

So there it is and here it goes.

Day One:

1. People who are willing to be honest.
2. The little boy who waved goodbye to me at the Y even though he doesn't know me.
   
3. Kids who get really into the games that I make up.
4. That I am able to live with my best friend.
5. The fact that I get to think up a safari outfit to wear to work tomorrow :)
   

"So long you wages of sin, so long don't you come back again"

I know that it probably makes me a little bit of a traitor to America to say this...but Easter is my favorite holiday.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Christmas alright (even if I might come off as the Christmas movie/music nazi prior to Thanksgiving), the festivities are fun, people are cheery, it is perfectly acceptable to watch Love Actually and Elf multiple times, and Jesus was born, so it's important, but Easter is amazing. It is the single, history altering event upon which my entire faith is based! Everyone is born (and I don't mean that to say Jesus' birth wasn't extraordinary) but NOT everyone comes back from the dead. I'm all about a good celebration, and there is nothing more worthy of a blow out celebration than the resurrection. I kind of hate that it doesn't get more attention and that it doesn't get celebrated as it should (and similarly a little disappointed the Easter service I went to was a little drab).

One thing I really like about the Catholic tradition (and some other churches as well) is the season of Lent prior to Easter (and I don't just mean giving up chocolate as a spiritual way of dieting to look good for the summer), but really giving up and giving something to really remind you of and pull you to the cross. We should prepare for Easter and take the time to think about what Jesus' death really was and really means. Easter isn't just a one day thing, it's the reality of our life in Christ. I could use more practice in remembering this.

I'll admit, I have a pretty active imagination when I think about what it will be like when Jesus comes back (usually involving Jesus strutting in with his posse and throwing punches at the bad guys) and to think about what the scene was like when Jesus kicked back that stone and said "Boo-yah Death!" is almost too much, but as I was driving home on Easter, I pulled up an old favorite on the pod and it captures it perfectly.

High Noon by Andrew Peterson

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the deep of the valley was bright
When the mouth of the tomb shouted,
"Glory, the groom is alive"
So long, you wages of sin go on,
Don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed;
You've lost all your sting
To the victor of the battle at
High noon in the valley
In the valley of the shadow

And the demons, they danced in the darkness
When that last ragged breath left his lungs
And they reveled and howled
At the war that they thought they had won

But then, in the dark of the grave
The stone rolled away
In the still of the dawn on the greatest of days

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the shadows were shot through with light
When Jesus took in that breath
And shattered all death with his life
Be gone, you wages of sin
Go on, don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed
You've lost all your sting
To the victor of the battle
High noon in the valley of the shadow

Let the people rejoice
Let the heavens resound
Let the name of Jesus, who sought us
And freed us forever ring out

All praise to the fighter of the night
Who rides on the light
Whose gun is the grace of the God of the sky

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the shadows were shot through with light
When the mouth of the tomb
Shouted, "Glory, the Groom is alive"
Be gone, you wages of sin
Go on, don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed
All praise to the king
The victor of the battle
High noon in the valley
In the valley of the shadow

Happy Easter.

Sometimes God answers prayers with the ipod shuffle

For the Moments I Feel Faint--Relient K

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

[Chorus]

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands

This song echoed the very cry of my heart tonight as I was talking to the Lord. God is good. He watches out for His children.

Sabotage (Part 1)--Fear of Man

A lot of nights, the last moments before I go to sleep are stressful (rather than restful) because my brain won't shut off and my mind runs in about thousand different directions. I normally try to pray during this time, to bring peace to my head (and heart), but some nights I just can't make it slow down.

I feel like this time very vulnerable because as the rest of my body is shutting off and I am confined to my bed and the darkness with just my brain left to wander, and I think it is the prime time for either God to reveal things or for the devil to plant things, raise questions, and bring forth emotions that I otherwise wouldn't give much thought to.

Last night was one of these nights and I could practically feel anxiety rising up in my chest. I was all over the place -- What do I really want to do with my life? I think I want to really get into community development and outreach. I think I want to work with girls and women. But what about always wanting to work with kids? I should go to grad school. I think I want to go for counseling. I really want a vacation. Friday at work was chaos. Hawaii sounds great. I really wish I felt like I was growing in my faith. I miss my friends from college. I hate when I feel like I've failed. Will I get married? Why do I care if I do? I'm not ready to get married. Why am I even thinking about this? I need to find more satisfaction in my walk with the Lord. I'm hungry. I have to wake up early and I can't fall asleep. I wish I had some music on but I'm too tired to get up. I think I want a new ipod. How early do I need to wake up so I can get to church on time?....and so on.

Needless to say, I was getting frustrated because I really just wanted to fall asleep. But the Lord really responded to that time of mental attack last night because this morning at church JD started a new series called Sabotage, and it is going to address the different things in our life that keep us from being who we really want to be. Which right off the bat really resonated with me because I feel like I always have this desire to grow and change but it doesn't seem to ever come to fruition.

The series is going to be going through the book of Proverbs and the first sabotage JD address was the Fear of Man. And throughout his sermon he managed to hit on just about every issue that was running through my mind.

God is good.

" Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Proverbs 29:25

In order to really understand this particular threat in our lives, we have to understand what is really means, and as JD pointed out, in this instance the word "fear" is not referring to being afraid of something but rather "adding weight to" something. Just like we talk about fear of the Lord as having a respect and a sense of awe for God, we are adding weight to his opinion. When we fear man, we are giving value to the opinion of man. Our concern with man's perception of us rather than God's can stifle a life in so many ways.

But how do we know if we have a fear of man? JD provided a good list of questions that I wanted to share because I realized I answered "yes" to a lot of them and it makes sense why I have a lot of the anxieties that I do. I am hoping this will be a good jumping off point for growing closer to the person the Lord wants me to become, and I hope it is helpful for you as well.

• Do you have the need to self promote, name drop, and bring up your accomplishments?
• Is social rejection among your most painful childhood memories?
• Is the thought of social rejection still a fear?
• Was peer pressure a big influence in your life?
• Does the thought of failure mortify you?
• Are you always competing with others?
• Do you love thinking about what people think of you?
• Are you easily embarrassed or really shy?
• Do you have to be the center of attention?
• Do you fear exposure?
• Does what people say or do towards you affect your self-esteem?
• Do you generally avoid people as to not get too close or hurt?
• Do you have a problem lying (especially little white lies)?
  
• Are you constantly over-committed?
• Do you have trouble disagree who you perceive as important or in power?
• Do you second guess your decisions?
• Do you pride yourself on not caring what people think?
• Does exposure of your generosity motivate you to give more?
• Do you fear being single?
• Why do you diet?
• Have you been been too intimidated to share your faith?

To be perfectly honest, I answered yes much more often than I answered no, which doesn't suprise me. I have known for a long time that I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist, but it did raise my awareness of the real root of the issue--I am giving people more weight than I am giving God and I am not fully embracing or aware of God's true stance towards me. He loves me. He loves you. And that love is neverending. I long for satisfaction in Jesus, and God promises that trusting in him is a safety and a guard for my heart. I need to learn to trust God more.

...And I have to admit my eyes teared up just a little

This past weekend, a (almost) lifelong dream of mine came true (although the couple next to me said I am too young to have wanted it "for a long time" pshh)...

I FREAKING SAW BILLY JOEL LIVE!!!

I think just about anyone who knows me knows that I love Billy Joel. It's a love affair that started young and that has stuck with me all my life. I have wanted to see him live for a long time, and finally I can check that one off the life's to-d0 list (although hopefully I will check it multiple times). As cheesy as it sounds, I don't have enough words to explain just how exciting the whole show was.

The arena was just full with excitement. People (of all ages) just absorbed in a world of music put on by two of music's legends (oh, Elton John was there too). And while part of me wanted to be right up there front dancing along and screaming my heart out, another part of me really just wanted to sit and watch in disbelief that it was real. It was so fun. And

as if I needed more reasons to love Billy Joel, he is entirely silly, which makes me so happy. I would like for him to know Jesus so we can hang out in heaven.

Steady Friends

Almost daily I discover things about myself that indicate that there is a good chance I was born in the wrong generation. Whether it's music and movie tastes, fashion choices, or phrases that I think should make a come back, I sometimes just have to chuckle at myself when I stumble upon these little quirks in my personality.

For example, I really like the phrase "going steady" in reference to when people are dating pretty seriously. The term definitely doesn't get used by anyone in my generation, but I just think it's fun. This past summer I was sharing this tid-bit of information with Jenn in the office at camp and we decided that we would start "going steady" as friends. Obviously, Jordan and Ms. Jacque had to be steady friends too, and thus we started our our steady friends group :)

Well, this weekend we celebrated the birth of perhaps the classiest of the steady friends, Ms. Jacque, with a day full of distraction and deception as Jenn, Jordan and I had the job of entertaining Ms. Jacque while her husband got the house ready for her surprise birthday party. It was amazing. I'm so thankful for such wonderful ladies in my life.

What I Do With My Free Time

When my roommates are lounging around in the evening...they watch shows like Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. You know, shows that, while catering to the 55+ club, at least offer some form of intellectual stimulation.

What do I watch in the evenings? Not just re-runs of all three episodes of the current season of The Real World: Brooklyn, but the web exclusive daily clips--one right after the other. That or episodes of Bug Juice on Youtube. I'm sorry but you can't watch this and not crack up. What can I say, people fascinate me, and this season's cast has got me hooked like I haven't been since Back to New York.

"Remember the time we realized 'Thriller' was our favorite song?"

Sigh.

I do believe that there will always be a part of me that is attracted to tattooed and pierced punk rock guys (which i think usually surprises people, although i don't think it should). And similarly, I think there will always be a teenage version of myself wanting to be the girl in the punk rock songs those tattooed and pierced boys sing.

all of that to let you know that i have recently decided to revisit some bands that i used to listen to (like MxPx and Blink-182) and the truth is, i still love them. and i figure that if i loved them when i was 12, and i love them when i am 22, i am pretty confident that i will be an 80 year old woman who still loves them...

and that makes me happy.

and also makes me wonder what my kids will turn out like when their musical influences growing up will be billy joel and new found glory :)

and just for fun, here is another tattooed man that i love--although he is not a punk rocker.

poem

I don't think I have written a poem since like 8th grade when I had to create a poetry anthology for an English project, but for some reason, this came to me as I was trying to go to sleep Sunday night, so I thought I would do something with it.

Good Try Baltimore...

...but you just couldn't pull it out.

So pull out your Terrible Towels everybody because THE STEELERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!

08/09

So, the time of year has come when one is compelled to reflect on the previous year and make lofty goals for the new year. As I am one to willingly give into compulsions, I will do just that in this post.

In the year 2008 I (in no particular order):

• Prayed in the New Year and danced the night away afterwards
  
• Kicked off my last semester at Winthrop
• Was part of an amazing Bible study
• Developed a fascination with prenatal development
• Wrote a thesis
• Presented research
• Ate tacos every Tuesday with Charlotte
• Lived off of Diet Coke and Cheddar Chex mix for several weeks
• Saw the full moon rise out of the ocean :)
  
• Laughed a lot
• Experienced my first pedicure
  
• Saw lots of friends get engaged and others get married
  
• Graduated with a 4.0
• said a lot of goodbyes
• worked my last summer at Rockfish
• Kayaked in the Pacific ocean
• lived on an island for a week
• cried a lot
• Got a car
  
• Go-karted in a dress and pearls
• Finally got to go to The Melting Pot
  
• Saw Moving Out
• Saw The Rockettes in NYC
• Watched 4 entire seasons of 4 separate reality TV shows
• Moved in Raleigh
• Got a job
• Got a promotion
• Went to my first state fair
  
• Painted my fingernails black
• Chopped off my hair
• Ran for homecoming queen
• Made it to the final three
• Bought a new camera
• Started reading for fun
  
• Dabbled in bellydancing
• Bought an amazing pair of tennis shoes
• Watched a lot of movies

In 2009 I will:

• See Billy Joel and Elton John LIVE!!!
• Road trip to Birmingham to see Wicked!
• Put forth more effort to cook
  
• Make a noble attempt to work out regularly
• Find a church to get plugged into
• Take a stab at budgeting my money
• UPDATE: Finally submit an audition tape for The Real World.
  

Feel free to add to either list as you see fit.