A lot of nights, the last moments before I go to sleep are stressful (rather than restful) because my brain won't shut off and my mind runs in about thousand different directions. I normally try to pray during this time, to bring peace to my head (and heart), but some nights I just can't make it slow down.
I feel like this time very vulnerable because as the rest of my body is shutting off and I am confined to my bed and the darkness with just my brain left to wander, and I think it is the prime time for either God to reveal things or for the devil to plant things, raise questions, and bring forth emotions that I otherwise wouldn't give much thought to.
Last night was one of these nights and I could practically feel anxiety rising up in my chest. I was all over the place -- What do I really want to do with my life? I think I want to really get into community development and outreach. I think I want to work with girls and women. But what about always wanting to work with kids? I should go to grad school. I think I want to go for counseling. I really want a vacation. Friday at work was chaos. Hawaii sounds great. I really wish I felt like I was growing in my faith. I miss my friends from college. I hate when I feel like I've failed. Will I get married? Why do I care if I do? I'm not ready to get married. Why am I even thinking about this? I need to find more satisfaction in my walk with the Lord. I'm hungry. I have to wake up early and I can't fall asleep. I wish I had some music on but I'm too tired to get up. I think I want a new ipod. How early do I need to wake up so I can get to church on time?....and so on.
Needless to say, I was getting frustrated because I really just wanted to fall asleep. But the Lord really responded to that time of mental attack last night because this morning at
church JD started a new series called Sabotage, and it is going to address the different things in our life that keep us from being who we really want to be. Which right off the bat really resonated with me because I feel like I always have this desire to grow and change but it doesn't seem to ever come to fruition.
The series is going to be going through the book of Proverbs and the first sabotage JD address was the Fear of Man. And throughout his sermon he managed to hit on just about every issue that was running through my mind.
God is good.
" Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Proverbs 29:25
In order to really understand this particular threat in our lives, we have to understand what is really means, and as JD pointed out, in this instance the word "fear" is not referring to being afraid of something but rather "adding weight to" something. Just like we talk about fear of the Lord as having a respect and a sense of awe for God, we are adding weight to his opinion. When we fear man, we are giving value to the opinion of man. Our concern with man's perception of us rather than God's can stifle a life in so many ways.
But how do we know if we have a fear of man? JD provided a good list of questions that I wanted to share because I realized I answered "yes" to a lot of them and it makes sense why I have a lot of the anxieties that I do. I am hoping this will be a good jumping off point for growing closer to the person the Lord wants me to become, and I hope it is helpful for you as well.
- Do you have the need to self promote, name drop, and bring up your accomplishments?
- Is social rejection among your most painful childhood memories?
- Is the thought of social rejection still a fear?
- Was peer pressure a big influence in your life?
- Does the thought of failure mortify you?
- Are you always competing with others?
- Do you love thinking about what people think of you?
- Are you easily embarrassed or really shy?
- Do you have to be the center of attention?
- Do you fear exposure?
- Does what people say or do towards you affect your self-esteem?
- Do you generally avoid people as to not get too close or hurt?
- Do you have a problem lying (especially little white lies)?
- Are you constantly over-committed?
- Do you have trouble disagree who you perceive as important or in power?
- Do you second guess your decisions?
- Do you pride yourself on not caring what people think?
- Does exposure of your generosity motivate you to give more?
- Do you fear being single?
- Why do you diet?
- Have you been been too intimidated to share your faith?
To be perfectly honest, I answered yes much more often than I answered no, which doesn't suprise me. I have known for a long time that I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist, but it did raise my awareness of the real root of the issue--I am giving people more weight than I am giving God and I am not fully embracing or aware of God's true stance towards me. He loves me. He loves you. And that love is neverending. I long for satisfaction in Jesus, and God promises that trusting in him is a safety and a guard for my heart. I need to learn to trust God more.
