Indulgence

In some instances, I am in full support of indulging in the finer things in life: European chocolate, aromatherapy bath scrubs, hot showers, and cashmere. But then, as I think about it, a lot of times indulgence is at the very root of a lot of my spiritual struggles.

In his first letter to the Corinthians Paul writes: "Everything is permissible--but not everything is beneficial" (10:23)

As I was reading this the other night my initial reaction was "Gah. There is so much truth to this statement, so much conviction."

Then I thought to myself, "What if I checked all of my of my actions against the question: 'is this beneficial'?" I think it would drastically alter the way I live my life.

Obviously, Paul is addressing the issue of free will and the fact that we were created by a God who has given us the freedom to make our own decisions, we are not just characters in some cosmic puppet show, thus, we have the capability to do "everything." And naturally some decisions that we make are good and some are not. But the second part of the verse addresses the real issue of free will, that because we are free to make our own decisions we should not act selfishly or in vain, but should seek to act in a way that benefits those around us. The issue of benefit is the heart behind our actions.

How many times a day do I allow myself to indulge in something that is not at all beneficial to myself, the Lord, or anybody else? The truth is, more often that I can count. Sometimes it comes in the form of stuffing my face with junk, laziness, gossip, sleep, TV, music, putting off my time with the Lord, putting my expectations for the future ahead of the Lord's purpose for me in the present, or wallowing in self doubt and insecurity.

The truth is, that far too often I both knowingly and unknowingly allow myself to indulge physically, emotionally and spiritually in things that have no benefit, and because of that I give the devil a foothold on my heart to create a perceived distance from the Lord and others.

What You Own

1.Put your iPod or whatever mp3 player or music player you use on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Billy Brown

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Ballad of Hansberry Brown

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
God's Been Good to Me

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Big Girl (You are Beautiful)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Zoot Suit Riot

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Sparkling Diamonds

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I've Had the Time of My Life

WHAT IS 2+2?
Happy Every After in Your Eyes

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
A Thousand Miles

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Santa Fe (from Newsies, not Rent)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Do You Love Me?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Hungry Eyes

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Mr. Brightside

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU
Hold Up My Arms

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
No Other Way

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
All My Life (heck yes KC and Jo Jo)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Do You Wanna Dance?

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Shake Ya Money Maker

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Popular

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
All Creatures

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Love Heals (So I won't die?)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Back 2 Good

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Because We Can

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Erase

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
My Style

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Collide

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Round Here

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Love is a Many Splendored Thing

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
What You Own



Ok, so out of the ones I have read...my list is my far the lamest. Curse it all when me and the shuffle aren't on the same page!

honestly, who needs a boyfriend...

...when you can go to work and have the cutest 6 year old boy stare you in the eyes and say:

"Brooke, I'm in love with you."

it was precious....and hilarious...i had to laugh after i walked away :)

sometimes charlie brown just says it best :)

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
SHARING A SANDWICH.
GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

breakthrough

so i have finally acquired some semblance of a chest of drawers, so slowly but surely my room is looking less like suitcase vomit and more like i live here :)


i also hung some pictures and whatnot

A collection of random thoughts, aspirations, and updates

I leave my apartment at 6:30 every morning to be at the Y by 7-it's dark, it's cold, but every single morning there are people out running, and every morning I think to myself "I'm just never going to be one of those people who runs for fun, much less at 6:30 in the morning."

I think I am finally going to submit a video to audition for the Real World. The age cut-off is 24 so I really only have one season left to try to fulfill this dream. And, my mom always threatened to stop paying for my education if I went on the Real World, and I'm graduated these days :)

I am going to send in an application to be a judge at the National Pie Championship. I like pie. I have opinions. Please tell me what is better than 3 straight days of pie.

The shuffle and I have been on good terms, meaning the music of my life the past few days has been wonderful.

I got a promotion at work.

God is teaching me patience. Sometimes I'm just not good at waiting.

If Idle Hands are the Devil's Playthings...

...then I am in a bad way.

i'm bored...really bored.

my post-college life is quite a change of pace from the non-stop busyness that was my high school and college years. basically, i wake up, go to work, come home, and that's it...seriously.

because i am still checking out churches and whatnot, i'm not really plugged in anywhere around here, i haven't quite motivated myself enough to get to the gym yet, and i spend a lot of my day flying solo at work so i haven't gotten to know anyone there really, thus boredom has set in.

i'm taking suggestions on what to do with my time...if it's good...i'll write a special feature on it :)

What am I supposed to do with my time now?

So, because I have nothing better to do with myself or my time, I made it my goal to finish the 111 Worst Songs playlist. Now, the thing is, everytime you start the station it starts you back at the beginning and there is no skipping ahead past the songs you've already heard, so I had to start fresh this afternoon--and I was making serious progress too, I got down to about 63 or so when tragedy struck...

for some God-forsaken reason the playlist started back at number 111 with Paris Hilton (and no one can ever convince me that Paris Hilton is somehow less awful than Hootie, who is in fact not awful at all but someone was ranked lower, along with Will Smith).

And while I do suprise myself with the amount of endurance I have for completely meaningless tasks, I'm not sure I will barrel through those first fifty or so songs again...so with this adventure coming to an end, or at least a pause, I will leave you with three nuggets of musical treasure that you need to check out.

First is none other than a lovely duet by none other than The King of Pop Himself and Sir Paul McCartney called "The Girl is Mine."

Followed by a little dose of Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True."

And then perhaps the best thing I have come across in years, a true icon of musical greatness "The Fast Food Song" by the Fast Food Rockers. Let's eat...to the beat!

The 111 Worst Songs

As many of you know, I have somewhat of a tendency to be drawn to and seriously enjoy the things of this world that some might label awful, corny, or lame, but that I refer to as "under appreciated." It's the reason why I watch Pauly Shore movies and have considered on more than one occasion buying the new purple acid wash jeans Target is trying to bring back (and I am sure you guys could come up with an entire list of things I am missing). I also, am a bit of a pop culture ho, so obviously when I came across the 111 Worst Songs channel on AOL radio, I had no choice to listen.

I have to say I was quite entertained (and couldn't help but giggle) that as the songs began playing I found myself singing along or discovering new guilty pleasures (including "Stars are Blind" by Paris Hilton--don't hate, catchy pop music is catchy pop music). As pleasurable as this was, I was quite saddened that several of my all time favorite songs (namely "Dirty Pop" and "This is Why I'm Hot") were on the list.

Granted, there were some seriously terrible songs on the list ("That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain and "America A-O" by Aaron Carter) and some predicted ones ("Are You Jimmy Ray?" by Jimmy Ray), but where do these people get off putting the Hoff on the 111 Worst Songs list?

So I didn't get to finish the countdown, but it was entertaining nonetheless...

...And that's what I did with my Sunday afternoon...

It's fun to work at the Y-M-C-A

I couldn't resist.

So, this week concluded my first full week as an employee at the A.E. Finley YMCA (where apparently Clay Aiken used to work before he hit the big time).

For all of those who are interested, my official title is Senior Camper Coordinator, which essentially means I plan for and run the middle school portion of the track out sessions. More or less, I am a counselor but I make my own schedule and have a little more freedom in creativity and activities. In Wake County there are four "tracks" of year round school that kids can be on, so they all go on break at different times, thus the need for track out programs. So basically, every 3 weeks new kids come through until all four cycles have been and then it starts over.

I'm learning that each track will bring it's own unique set of kids with completely different personalities and challenges. Last week my kids were all pretty chill and they were definitely your younger middle schoolers, still in a place where they liked to play and things like that. This track, I have some drama mamas, flirts, awkward kids, and they all like to talk non-stop at a loud volume.

I'm being challenged in a lot of ways partially because I haven't counseled in three years and partially because middle schoolers are not my best age group to work with. Plus, on top of all of that I am still trying to learn the ins and outs of how the YMCA works and how they do things and what they expect, and the kids are used to doing things the old way and they recently restructured the track out program so there are just a lot of factors that go into an overall feeling of unpreparedness. And to be honest, there is kind of a silly feeling like I'm somehow cheating on Rockfish by working for the Y.

For the most part, I really am enjoying my job, but I can't say I've truly developed a heart for it yet, which is something I pray the Lord will give me. It's also hard because, honestly, it's not a position I plan on holding for too long (although it's a great fit for my situation now), which makes motivating myself difficult sometimes.

All in all, middle schoolers and ridiculous no matter where you work, but somebody's gotta keep them in line :)

I will post about my new job later...

...but right now you need to check out my sweet new kicks. i figure, if i have to wear tennis shoes everyday, they ought to be friggin' awesome--and does it get better than zebra stripe and highlighter yellow? i submit that it does not.

Moving

It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how independent I like to think I am when I come to moments in my life when I just don't know what the future holds, all I want to do is go home and be with my mommy.

I had a really hard time motivating myself to pack and head back to Raleigh. I guess it was mainly because I didn't feel like I had anything to go back to other than a messy room with no bed, no furniture, nothing. Raleigh doesn't feel like home yet because I'm not really settled there, I feel more like I'm just crashing on the floor than moving in. All the "freedom" of not knowing left me feeling a little bit lost and incredibly unmotivated...and I was just getting discouraged about the job thing.

But the Lord is a faithful provider! As I was driving home from saying goodbye to my mom, I was beginning to get particularly caught up in my thoughts and my phone rang. I got a job! Not the job I interviewed for, but they offered me another position...I guess they want to keep me around and that's a good sign right? The call came at the perfect moment because it gave me a tangible reason to come back (other than the looming rent check) and that got be excited about getting plugged in and settled here in Raleigh.

I've been e-mailing with two women from two separate churches here and I am really looking forward to getting to meet them and start looking for a church family. Both seem really nice and both churches look like they would have a lot to offer (including swing dancing which I will be taking up for the next four Wednesdays). It'll just be good to start meeting new people :)

Lady in Waiting

By about the middle of my sophomore year in college I had had enough of Christian dating books, talks, etc. To be honest, I became somewhat hardened to any message of this sort simply because I felt like I had heard the same thing so many times and that if I heard it again I would scream.

Then second semester junior year, Ansley told us we would be studying a book entitled Fantasy in our discipleship group (insert finger in throat and gag), yet another book on all the proper Christian conversations one is supposed to have when in a relationship and how girls are obsessed with the idea of marriage and how worth it is to wait for a godly man (all of which, I admit, have some truth to them, but seriously). And of course, because I was so against going through such a book, God used it to teach me all sort of amazing things and teach me that I was wrong. In fact, it has become a book I have lead a group in twice and have recommended on several occasions.

Then this summer I decided that I would take a stab at reading the book Lady in Waiting. On the one hand, I wanted to hit myself for being compelled to read a "dating book," thus giving the impression that I was that marriage obsessed girl who even brought the obsession into her time with the Lord, BUT after thumbing it over a few times and seeing that it actually had some good biblical basis and practical application, my gag reflex calmed down and I decided it was worth a shot.

What I like about Lady in Waiting is that it's not going on and on about finding beauty or how to be a better potential wife but it really focuses on growing closer to the Lord and examining areas of your life that keep you from being as close to the Lord as He desires. It's good stuff...and while yes it does has some application to me as a single woman, I also have just become aware of just how much of a waiting period I am in in life right now, and I don't just mean in love. I'm waiting to hear back from a job (and if I don't get it I'll continue waiting for other opportunities). I'm waiting for furniture. I'm waiting to get settled in Raleigh, to find a church, to get plugged in. I'm waiting for discernment. I'm just waiting for things in life to get some form of routine and normalcy.

I also have a tendency to be the "if-only" girl. If only I had more time, if only I had a job, if only I had a relationship, if only I had this article of clothing or thing for my apartment or whatever it is. I set all kinds of levels to accomplish before I can get real with God. I'm waiting on all sort of menial and earthly things to come to fruition when the most satisfying thing in the world requires no waiting at all but simply an open and willing heart.

Getting Back Into the Swing

I hate that the business of the end of the school year and the chaos that is Rockfish has kept me from updating in such a long time, but now with the freedom of my post-college life I am hoping to be back in the blogging world much more frequently.

My current facebook status says that I kind of miss the craziness of back to school, and I do. I knew August would be harder than May in the sense that leaving school in May was essentially the same as every May and my summer was the same as every summer, but now it is that magical time of year and I'm not thinking about classes, buying school supplies, or gearing up for any back-to-school festivities. Instead, I am half moved into an apartment in Raleigh and sitting in my living room at home in Myrtle Beach.

I am excited about the possibilities of the future, but overwhelmed as well. I really want the next year or so, as I transition from student to adult, to be a time of seeking the Lord, I want to grow, I want to change. I'm not entirely sure how or what it will look like, but I want it.

I'm just a little bit over school right now...

For some reason, today I am just completely over school.

I really like school, as many of you know, and I have been trying hard not to become to countdown kid, just checking off the days until graduation (or even spring break) and rejoicing at the thought of just being done. I don't want to spend my last two months of school so anticipating the end that I overlook what is still left to be done and learned.

but today, I just don't feel like doing anything and the fact that I have to get things done (and soon) stresses me out, which is typically a motivator, but not at the moment.

sigh.

Psalm 86

Hear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you , O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds,
you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided hear,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life--
men without regard for you.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.
Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

"I need you in my house cause you're my home"

Have I mentioned lately that I love Billy Joel? If not, I do.

Insecure

Sometimes it really amazes me how little it takes to make me question my worth, even if it's only for a second.

I think I like to pretend I am a lot less sensitive than I really am.

Last night in Bible study we were talking about James 3:13-17 which is mostly about wisdom, but in defining earthy wisdom James describes it as full of "envy and selfish ambition" (vs. 15) and one of our questions was "In what circumstances in your life do you find it easy to become envious or self-ambitious?"

Over the past few years I have become well aware of my tendency to compare myself to others constantly, which messes with my self-esteem and makes me envious and bitter towards others. However, when I was going to answer this question I gained some clarity in what specific circumstances I find myself most prone to these feelings--when I am the "alternate" choice and not chosen.

It's one thing to compare myself to lots of people on lots of levels, but I find my security really shaken when it comes down to a choice between me and one other person and I'm not the chosen one. I guess I fear not being chosen, which translates in my head to not being wanted.

I guess it shows I tend to get a lot of my sense of self-worth from other people...it's frustrating to know the devil has his finger on that very part of my heart that can make me doubt when I KNOW that the Lord is good and that my worth comes from something much bigger and better than anything this world or anyone in it can offer.

A Slow Progression Towards Adulthood

According the the countdown application on my Facebook profile, there are 68 days left until graduation. Talk about a total mindblow. In those 68 days (and thats counting weekends and spring break) I have 2 conferences to present at, a thesis to finish, classes to pass, students to tutor, a grant project to fulfill, t-shirts to order, inductions to organize, papers to write, presentations to give, on top of the overwhelming task of moving myself into adult mode.

I've decided to make this a slow and gradual process that began with a vow not to go to class without getting properly put together, a habit I needed to get into (although I have always protested the vulgar going to class in your pajamas thing). Then came creating an e-mail account that lacked an affiliation with Winthrop or middle school, a solid nameinitiallastname@gmail.com.

Then I had to order my cap and gown, which made the event of graduation all the more real.

The new voicemail message will come next as will the sending out of resumes all while I attempt to slowly build a wardrobe that doesn't scream camp or college student.

I don't hate the idea of becoming an adult, I just wish I had a little more direction in what I will be doing a few months from now. Part of me is excited to be closing this chapter of my life and seeing where the next few years as a twenty-something will take me, but another part of me feels like I am just now hitting my stride as a college student and I'm not ready to be done yet. It's just all becoming final.

On an entirely different note, I am making a new-month resolution to write more. The past year or so has seen far too few blog posts on here and I keep getting this desire to write for an audience again (as small as that audience might be).

Almost too good to believe...

...and i can't watch.

two of my best vices WWE and Project Runway are joining forces and I don't have Bravo...

i lose.