Insecure

Sometimes it really amazes me how little it takes to make me question my worth, even if it's only for a second.

I think I like to pretend I am a lot less sensitive than I really am.

Last night in Bible study we were talking about James 3:13-17 which is mostly about wisdom, but in defining earthy wisdom James describes it as full of "envy and selfish ambition" (vs. 15) and one of our questions was "In what circumstances in your life do you find it easy to become envious or self-ambitious?"

Over the past few years I have become well aware of my tendency to compare myself to others constantly, which messes with my self-esteem and makes me envious and bitter towards others. However, when I was going to answer this question I gained some clarity in what specific circumstances I find myself most prone to these feelings--when I am the "alternate" choice and not chosen.

It's one thing to compare myself to lots of people on lots of levels, but I find my security really shaken when it comes down to a choice between me and one other person and I'm not the chosen one. I guess I fear not being chosen, which translates in my head to not being wanted.

I guess it shows I tend to get a lot of my sense of self-worth from other people...it's frustrating to know the devil has his finger on that very part of my heart that can make me doubt when I KNOW that the Lord is good and that my worth comes from something much bigger and better than anything this world or anyone in it can offer.