Stagnant

"Because, I got to get out of here/ I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake/ I got to get out of here/ And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape" - "Be My Escape" Relient K

Man, I am in such a weird place with God right now, and the worst part is, I don't even know how I got here. It is like it just blindsided me one idle Tuesday night that I am nowhere near where I should be in my faith and that for the life of me I CAN'T HEAR GOD. He is being so quiet right. And it has been awhile now.

And it's not just hearing God, it's feeling Him. Feeling His presence in my heart and in the world around me.

I know, that faith cannot be a feeling. That we all must go through valleys and dark nights in order to truly appreciate and understand all the amazing and beautiful things God has done for us, and to recognize our own inability to accomplish anything and our desperate need to cling to His strength, but for crying out loud...give me something to feel.

What scares me is that I feel so stagnant--in a rut--apathetic almost. And I hate it. And what I hate more is that I recognize all these feelings, and no matter how much I am praying about them I don't seem to feel any different. It's like I know God is there, that He has some amazing truth to reveal to me, and an awesome plan laid out for me, but for right now, I just feel inadequate.

I feel like I am doing nothing to serve God with my life. Like I have no ministry, no outlet through which to spread the Word of God and to do His will and share his Love. And when I pray, it's not the same peace I used to find.

It's all so very hard to explain, especially because I know that it is all a matter of patience and willingness to seek God despite His being quiet.

I am part of the problem.

Because of this weird state, I have not been spending the time with God that I know I need to be in order to get back on track with Him, in order to best prepare myself for the things He will say when He once again puts His voice in my ear. I need to center myself on His Word, and make my heart vulnerable to His will.

Perhaps though, He is almost ready to speak, because in the past few weeks God has been laying things on my heart and giving me an insight that I never had before. I am coming to realize just how huge prayer is, and how persistent we MUST be in our conversations with God. I am digging into God's Word, looking for answers. I am aware of the blessings God has placed in my life, especially by means of relationships. I am basking in God's beauty in the world He created. I feel called to speak out for purity and life. The list is forever growing. And it's invigorating. I am once again starting to feel a call and enthusiasm for ministry, for action, for something.



I don't think I will ever quite understand God.


I guess that's ok.




Things are looking up. And maybe if I would look up a little more, I would see things more clearly.