For some reason, today I am just completely over school.
I really like school, as many of you know, and I have been trying hard not to become to countdown kid, just checking off the days until graduation (or even spring break) and rejoicing at the thought of just being done. I don't want to spend my last two months of school so anticipating the end that I overlook what is still left to be done and learned.
but today, I just don't feel like doing anything and the fact that I have to get things done (and soon) stresses me out, which is typically a motivator, but not at the moment.
sigh.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Psalm 86
Hear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you , O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds,
you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided hear,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life--
men without regard for you.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.
Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you , O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds,
you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided hear,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life--
men without regard for you.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.
Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Insecure
Sometimes it really amazes me how little it takes to make me question my worth, even if it's only for a second.
I think I like to pretend I am a lot less sensitive than I really am.
Last night in Bible study we were talking about James 3:13-17 which is mostly about wisdom, but in defining earthy wisdom James describes it as full of "envy and selfish ambition" (vs. 15) and one of our questions was "In what circumstances in your life do you find it easy to become envious or self-ambitious?"
Over the past few years I have become well aware of my tendency to compare myself to others constantly, which messes with my self-esteem and makes me envious and bitter towards others. However, when I was going to answer this question I gained some clarity in what specific circumstances I find myself most prone to these feelings--when I am the "alternate" choice and not chosen.
It's one thing to compare myself to lots of people on lots of levels, but I find my security really shaken when it comes down to a choice between me and one other person and I'm not the chosen one. I guess I fear not being chosen, which translates in my head to not being wanted.
I guess it shows I tend to get a lot of my sense of self-worth from other people...it's frustrating to know the devil has his finger on that very part of my heart that can make me doubt when I KNOW that the Lord is good and that my worth comes from something much bigger and better than anything this world or anyone in it can offer.
I think I like to pretend I am a lot less sensitive than I really am.
Last night in Bible study we were talking about James 3:13-17 which is mostly about wisdom, but in defining earthy wisdom James describes it as full of "envy and selfish ambition" (vs. 15) and one of our questions was "In what circumstances in your life do you find it easy to become envious or self-ambitious?"
Over the past few years I have become well aware of my tendency to compare myself to others constantly, which messes with my self-esteem and makes me envious and bitter towards others. However, when I was going to answer this question I gained some clarity in what specific circumstances I find myself most prone to these feelings--when I am the "alternate" choice and not chosen.
It's one thing to compare myself to lots of people on lots of levels, but I find my security really shaken when it comes down to a choice between me and one other person and I'm not the chosen one. I guess I fear not being chosen, which translates in my head to not being wanted.
I guess it shows I tend to get a lot of my sense of self-worth from other people...it's frustrating to know the devil has his finger on that very part of my heart that can make me doubt when I KNOW that the Lord is good and that my worth comes from something much bigger and better than anything this world or anyone in it can offer.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
A Slow Progression Towards Adulthood
According the the countdown application on my Facebook profile, there are 68 days left until graduation. Talk about a total mindblow. In those 68 days (and thats counting weekends and spring break) I have 2 conferences to present at, a thesis to finish, classes to pass, students to tutor, a grant project to fulfill, t-shirts to order, inductions to organize, papers to write, presentations to give, on top of the overwhelming task of moving myself into adult mode.
I've decided to make this a slow and gradual process that began with a vow not to go to class without getting properly put together, a habit I needed to get into (although I have always protested the vulgar going to class in your pajamas thing). Then came creating an e-mail account that lacked an affiliation with Winthrop or middle school, a solid nameinitiallastname@gmail.com.
Then I had to order my cap and gown, which made the event of graduation all the more real.
The new voicemail message will come next as will the sending out of resumes all while I attempt to slowly build a wardrobe that doesn't scream camp or college student.
I don't hate the idea of becoming an adult, I just wish I had a little more direction in what I will be doing a few months from now. Part of me is excited to be closing this chapter of my life and seeing where the next few years as a twenty-something will take me, but another part of me feels like I am just now hitting my stride as a college student and I'm not ready to be done yet. It's just all becoming final.
On an entirely different note, I am making a new-month resolution to write more. The past year or so has seen far too few blog posts on here and I keep getting this desire to write for an audience again (as small as that audience might be).
I've decided to make this a slow and gradual process that began with a vow not to go to class without getting properly put together, a habit I needed to get into (although I have always protested the vulgar going to class in your pajamas thing). Then came creating an e-mail account that lacked an affiliation with Winthrop or middle school, a solid nameinitiallastname@gmail.com.
Then I had to order my cap and gown, which made the event of graduation all the more real.
The new voicemail message will come next as will the sending out of resumes all while I attempt to slowly build a wardrobe that doesn't scream camp or college student.
I don't hate the idea of becoming an adult, I just wish I had a little more direction in what I will be doing a few months from now. Part of me is excited to be closing this chapter of my life and seeing where the next few years as a twenty-something will take me, but another part of me feels like I am just now hitting my stride as a college student and I'm not ready to be done yet. It's just all becoming final.
On an entirely different note, I am making a new-month resolution to write more. The past year or so has seen far too few blog posts on here and I keep getting this desire to write for an audience again (as small as that audience might be).
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