An afterthought about thankfulness

After I posted my entry last night, I was thinking about how I need to make a concerted effort to be more aware of the blessings in my life--that if I want to live Easter everyday, that I need to find the reasons to rejoice everyday, something that I don't always do.

So, I decided to give myself a personal challenge in being more aware and thankful for things in my life. I am hoping that if I set an actual goal for myself, and commit to updating it on here, that I might actually go through with one of my many plans to step up my walk with the Lord rather than letting it fall to the side and sit there.

The challenge is this...for the next 30 days I will post five specific things that I am thankful for and I am not allowed to say anything more than once. If I can't find at least five new things a day to be thankful for, I have bigger issues.

So there it is and here it goes.

Day One:

1. People who are willing to be honest.
2. The little boy who waved goodbye to me at the Y even though he doesn't know me.
   
3. Kids who get really into the games that I make up.
4. That I am able to live with my best friend.
5. The fact that I get to think up a safari outfit to wear to work tomorrow :)
   

"So long you wages of sin, so long don't you come back again"

I know that it probably makes me a little bit of a traitor to America to say this...but Easter is my favorite holiday.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Christmas alright (even if I might come off as the Christmas movie/music nazi prior to Thanksgiving), the festivities are fun, people are cheery, it is perfectly acceptable to watch Love Actually and Elf multiple times, and Jesus was born, so it's important, but Easter is amazing. It is the single, history altering event upon which my entire faith is based! Everyone is born (and I don't mean that to say Jesus' birth wasn't extraordinary) but NOT everyone comes back from the dead. I'm all about a good celebration, and there is nothing more worthy of a blow out celebration than the resurrection. I kind of hate that it doesn't get more attention and that it doesn't get celebrated as it should (and similarly a little disappointed the Easter service I went to was a little drab).

One thing I really like about the Catholic tradition (and some other churches as well) is the season of Lent prior to Easter (and I don't just mean giving up chocolate as a spiritual way of dieting to look good for the summer), but really giving up and giving something to really remind you of and pull you to the cross. We should prepare for Easter and take the time to think about what Jesus' death really was and really means. Easter isn't just a one day thing, it's the reality of our life in Christ. I could use more practice in remembering this.

I'll admit, I have a pretty active imagination when I think about what it will be like when Jesus comes back (usually involving Jesus strutting in with his posse and throwing punches at the bad guys) and to think about what the scene was like when Jesus kicked back that stone and said "Boo-yah Death!" is almost too much, but as I was driving home on Easter, I pulled up an old favorite on the pod and it captures it perfectly.

High Noon by Andrew Peterson

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the deep of the valley was bright
When the mouth of the tomb shouted,
"Glory, the groom is alive"
So long, you wages of sin go on,
Don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed;
You've lost all your sting
To the victor of the battle at
High noon in the valley
In the valley of the shadow

And the demons, they danced in the darkness
When that last ragged breath left his lungs
And they reveled and howled
At the war that they thought they had won

But then, in the dark of the grave
The stone rolled away
In the still of the dawn on the greatest of days

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the shadows were shot through with light
When Jesus took in that breath
And shattered all death with his life
Be gone, you wages of sin
Go on, don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed
You've lost all your sting
To the victor of the battle
High noon in the valley of the shadow

Let the people rejoice
Let the heavens resound
Let the name of Jesus, who sought us
And freed us forever ring out

All praise to the fighter of the night
Who rides on the light
Whose gun is the grace of the God of the sky

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the shadows were shot through with light
When the mouth of the tomb
Shouted, "Glory, the Groom is alive"
Be gone, you wages of sin
Go on, don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed
All praise to the king
The victor of the battle
High noon in the valley
In the valley of the shadow

Happy Easter.

Sometimes God answers prayers with the ipod shuffle

For the Moments I Feel Faint--Relient K

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

[Chorus]

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands

This song echoed the very cry of my heart tonight as I was talking to the Lord. God is good. He watches out for His children.

Sabotage (Part 1)--Fear of Man

A lot of nights, the last moments before I go to sleep are stressful (rather than restful) because my brain won't shut off and my mind runs in about thousand different directions. I normally try to pray during this time, to bring peace to my head (and heart), but some nights I just can't make it slow down.

I feel like this time very vulnerable because as the rest of my body is shutting off and I am confined to my bed and the darkness with just my brain left to wander, and I think it is the prime time for either God to reveal things or for the devil to plant things, raise questions, and bring forth emotions that I otherwise wouldn't give much thought to.

Last night was one of these nights and I could practically feel anxiety rising up in my chest. I was all over the place -- What do I really want to do with my life? I think I want to really get into community development and outreach. I think I want to work with girls and women. But what about always wanting to work with kids? I should go to grad school. I think I want to go for counseling. I really want a vacation. Friday at work was chaos. Hawaii sounds great. I really wish I felt like I was growing in my faith. I miss my friends from college. I hate when I feel like I've failed. Will I get married? Why do I care if I do? I'm not ready to get married. Why am I even thinking about this? I need to find more satisfaction in my walk with the Lord. I'm hungry. I have to wake up early and I can't fall asleep. I wish I had some music on but I'm too tired to get up. I think I want a new ipod. How early do I need to wake up so I can get to church on time?....and so on.

Needless to say, I was getting frustrated because I really just wanted to fall asleep. But the Lord really responded to that time of mental attack last night because this morning at church JD started a new series called Sabotage, and it is going to address the different things in our life that keep us from being who we really want to be. Which right off the bat really resonated with me because I feel like I always have this desire to grow and change but it doesn't seem to ever come to fruition.

The series is going to be going through the book of Proverbs and the first sabotage JD address was the Fear of Man. And throughout his sermon he managed to hit on just about every issue that was running through my mind.

God is good.

" Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Proverbs 29:25

In order to really understand this particular threat in our lives, we have to understand what is really means, and as JD pointed out, in this instance the word "fear" is not referring to being afraid of something but rather "adding weight to" something. Just like we talk about fear of the Lord as having a respect and a sense of awe for God, we are adding weight to his opinion. When we fear man, we are giving value to the opinion of man. Our concern with man's perception of us rather than God's can stifle a life in so many ways.

But how do we know if we have a fear of man? JD provided a good list of questions that I wanted to share because I realized I answered "yes" to a lot of them and it makes sense why I have a lot of the anxieties that I do. I am hoping this will be a good jumping off point for growing closer to the person the Lord wants me to become, and I hope it is helpful for you as well.

• Do you have the need to self promote, name drop, and bring up your accomplishments?
• Is social rejection among your most painful childhood memories?
• Is the thought of social rejection still a fear?
• Was peer pressure a big influence in your life?
• Does the thought of failure mortify you?
• Are you always competing with others?
• Do you love thinking about what people think of you?
• Are you easily embarrassed or really shy?
• Do you have to be the center of attention?
• Do you fear exposure?
• Does what people say or do towards you affect your self-esteem?
• Do you generally avoid people as to not get too close or hurt?
• Do you have a problem lying (especially little white lies)?
  
• Are you constantly over-committed?
• Do you have trouble disagree who you perceive as important or in power?
• Do you second guess your decisions?
• Do you pride yourself on not caring what people think?
• Does exposure of your generosity motivate you to give more?
• Do you fear being single?
• Why do you diet?
• Have you been been too intimidated to share your faith?

To be perfectly honest, I answered yes much more often than I answered no, which doesn't suprise me. I have known for a long time that I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist, but it did raise my awareness of the real root of the issue--I am giving people more weight than I am giving God and I am not fully embracing or aware of God's true stance towards me. He loves me. He loves you. And that love is neverending. I long for satisfaction in Jesus, and God promises that trusting in him is a safety and a guard for my heart. I need to learn to trust God more.

...And I have to admit my eyes teared up just a little

This past weekend, a (almost) lifelong dream of mine came true (although the couple next to me said I am too young to have wanted it "for a long time" pshh)...

I FREAKING SAW BILLY JOEL LIVE!!!

I think just about anyone who knows me knows that I love Billy Joel. It's a love affair that started young and that has stuck with me all my life. I have wanted to see him live for a long time, and finally I can check that one off the life's to-d0 list (although hopefully I will check it multiple times). As cheesy as it sounds, I don't have enough words to explain just how exciting the whole show was.

The arena was just full with excitement. People (of all ages) just absorbed in a world of music put on by two of music's legends (oh, Elton John was there too). And while part of me wanted to be right up there front dancing along and screaming my heart out, another part of me really just wanted to sit and watch in disbelief that it was real. It was so fun. And

as if I needed more reasons to love Billy Joel, he is entirely silly, which makes me so happy. I would like for him to know Jesus so we can hang out in heaven.

Steady Friends

Almost daily I discover things about myself that indicate that there is a good chance I was born in the wrong generation. Whether it's music and movie tastes, fashion choices, or phrases that I think should make a come back, I sometimes just have to chuckle at myself when I stumble upon these little quirks in my personality.

For example, I really like the phrase "going steady" in reference to when people are dating pretty seriously. The term definitely doesn't get used by anyone in my generation, but I just think it's fun. This past summer I was sharing this tid-bit of information with Jenn in the office at camp and we decided that we would start "going steady" as friends. Obviously, Jordan and Ms. Jacque had to be steady friends too, and thus we started our our steady friends group :)

Well, this weekend we celebrated the birth of perhaps the classiest of the steady friends, Ms. Jacque, with a day full of distraction and deception as Jenn, Jordan and I had the job of entertaining Ms. Jacque while her husband got the house ready for her surprise birthday party. It was amazing. I'm so thankful for such wonderful ladies in my life.

What I Do With My Free Time

When my roommates are lounging around in the evening...they watch shows like Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. You know, shows that, while catering to the 55+ club, at least offer some form of intellectual stimulation.

What do I watch in the evenings? Not just re-runs of all three episodes of the current season of The Real World: Brooklyn, but the web exclusive daily clips--one right after the other. That or episodes of Bug Juice on Youtube. I'm sorry but you can't watch this and not crack up. What can I say, people fascinate me, and this season's cast has got me hooked like I haven't been since Back to New York.

"Remember the time we realized 'Thriller' was our favorite song?"

Sigh.

I do believe that there will always be a part of me that is attracted to tattooed and pierced punk rock guys (which i think usually surprises people, although i don't think it should). And similarly, I think there will always be a teenage version of myself wanting to be the girl in the punk rock songs those tattooed and pierced boys sing.

all of that to let you know that i have recently decided to revisit some bands that i used to listen to (like MxPx and Blink-182) and the truth is, i still love them. and i figure that if i loved them when i was 12, and i love them when i am 22, i am pretty confident that i will be an 80 year old woman who still loves them...

and that makes me happy.

and also makes me wonder what my kids will turn out like when their musical influences growing up will be billy joel and new found glory :)

and just for fun, here is another tattooed man that i love--although he is not a punk rocker.

poem

I don't think I have written a poem since like 8th grade when I had to create a poetry anthology for an English project, but for some reason, this came to me as I was trying to go to sleep Sunday night, so I thought I would do something with it.

Good Try Baltimore...

...but you just couldn't pull it out.

So pull out your Terrible Towels everybody because THE STEELERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!

08/09

So, the time of year has come when one is compelled to reflect on the previous year and make lofty goals for the new year. As I am one to willingly give into compulsions, I will do just that in this post.

In the year 2008 I (in no particular order):

• Prayed in the New Year and danced the night away afterwards
  
• Kicked off my last semester at Winthrop
• Was part of an amazing Bible study
• Developed a fascination with prenatal development
• Wrote a thesis
• Presented research
• Ate tacos every Tuesday with Charlotte
• Lived off of Diet Coke and Cheddar Chex mix for several weeks
• Saw the full moon rise out of the ocean :)
  
• Laughed a lot
• Experienced my first pedicure
  
• Saw lots of friends get engaged and others get married
  
• Graduated with a 4.0
• said a lot of goodbyes
• worked my last summer at Rockfish
• Kayaked in the Pacific ocean
• lived on an island for a week
• cried a lot
• Got a car
  
• Go-karted in a dress and pearls
• Finally got to go to The Melting Pot
  
• Saw Moving Out
• Saw The Rockettes in NYC
• Watched 4 entire seasons of 4 separate reality TV shows
• Moved in Raleigh
• Got a job
• Got a promotion
• Went to my first state fair
  
• Painted my fingernails black
• Chopped off my hair
• Ran for homecoming queen
• Made it to the final three
• Bought a new camera
• Started reading for fun
  
• Dabbled in bellydancing
• Bought an amazing pair of tennis shoes
• Watched a lot of movies

In 2009 I will:

• See Billy Joel and Elton John LIVE!!!
• Road trip to Birmingham to see Wicked!
• Put forth more effort to cook
  
• Make a noble attempt to work out regularly
• Find a church to get plugged into
• Take a stab at budgeting my money
• UPDATE: Finally submit an audition tape for The Real World.
  

Feel free to add to either list as you see fit.

Indulgence

In some instances, I am in full support of indulging in the finer things in life: European chocolate, aromatherapy bath scrubs, hot showers, and cashmere. But then, as I think about it, a lot of times indulgence is at the very root of a lot of my spiritual struggles.

In his first letter to the Corinthians Paul writes: "Everything is permissible--but not everything is beneficial" (10:23)

As I was reading this the other night my initial reaction was "Gah. There is so much truth to this statement, so much conviction."

Then I thought to myself, "What if I checked all of my of my actions against the question: 'is this beneficial'?" I think it would drastically alter the way I live my life.

Obviously, Paul is addressing the issue of free will and the fact that we were created by a God who has given us the freedom to make our own decisions, we are not just characters in some cosmic puppet show, thus, we have the capability to do "everything." And naturally some decisions that we make are good and some are not. But the second part of the verse addresses the real issue of free will, that because we are free to make our own decisions we should not act selfishly or in vain, but should seek to act in a way that benefits those around us. The issue of benefit is the heart behind our actions.

How many times a day do I allow myself to indulge in something that is not at all beneficial to myself, the Lord, or anybody else? The truth is, more often that I can count. Sometimes it comes in the form of stuffing my face with junk, laziness, gossip, sleep, TV, music, putting off my time with the Lord, putting my expectations for the future ahead of the Lord's purpose for me in the present, or wallowing in self doubt and insecurity.

The truth is, that far too often I both knowingly and unknowingly allow myself to indulge physically, emotionally and spiritually in things that have no benefit, and because of that I give the devil a foothold on my heart to create a perceived distance from the Lord and others.

What You Own

1.Put your iPod or whatever mp3 player or music player you use on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Billy Brown

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Ballad of Hansberry Brown

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
God's Been Good to Me

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Big Girl (You are Beautiful)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Zoot Suit Riot

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Sparkling Diamonds

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I've Had the Time of My Life

WHAT IS 2+2?
Happy Every After in Your Eyes

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
A Thousand Miles

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Santa Fe (from Newsies, not Rent)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Do You Love Me?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Hungry Eyes

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Mr. Brightside

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU
Hold Up My Arms

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
No Other Way

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
All My Life (heck yes KC and Jo Jo)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Do You Wanna Dance?

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Shake Ya Money Maker

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Popular

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
All Creatures

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Love Heals (So I won't die?)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Back 2 Good

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Because We Can

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Erase

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
My Style

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Collide

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Round Here

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Love is a Many Splendored Thing

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
What You Own



Ok, so out of the ones I have read...my list is my far the lamest. Curse it all when me and the shuffle aren't on the same page!

honestly, who needs a boyfriend...

...when you can go to work and have the cutest 6 year old boy stare you in the eyes and say:

"Brooke, I'm in love with you."

it was precious....and hilarious...i had to laugh after i walked away :)

sometimes charlie brown just says it best :)

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
SHARING A SANDWICH.
GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

breakthrough

so i have finally acquired some semblance of a chest of drawers, so slowly but surely my room is looking less like suitcase vomit and more like i live here :)


i also hung some pictures and whatnot

A collection of random thoughts, aspirations, and updates

I leave my apartment at 6:30 every morning to be at the Y by 7-it's dark, it's cold, but every single morning there are people out running, and every morning I think to myself "I'm just never going to be one of those people who runs for fun, much less at 6:30 in the morning."

I think I am finally going to submit a video to audition for the Real World. The age cut-off is 24 so I really only have one season left to try to fulfill this dream. And, my mom always threatened to stop paying for my education if I went on the Real World, and I'm graduated these days :)

I am going to send in an application to be a judge at the National Pie Championship. I like pie. I have opinions. Please tell me what is better than 3 straight days of pie.

The shuffle and I have been on good terms, meaning the music of my life the past few days has been wonderful.

I got a promotion at work.

God is teaching me patience. Sometimes I'm just not good at waiting.

If Idle Hands are the Devil's Playthings...

...then I am in a bad way.

i'm bored...really bored.

my post-college life is quite a change of pace from the non-stop busyness that was my high school and college years. basically, i wake up, go to work, come home, and that's it...seriously.

because i am still checking out churches and whatnot, i'm not really plugged in anywhere around here, i haven't quite motivated myself enough to get to the gym yet, and i spend a lot of my day flying solo at work so i haven't gotten to know anyone there really, thus boredom has set in.

i'm taking suggestions on what to do with my time...if it's good...i'll write a special feature on it :)

What am I supposed to do with my time now?

So, because I have nothing better to do with myself or my time, I made it my goal to finish the 111 Worst Songs playlist. Now, the thing is, everytime you start the station it starts you back at the beginning and there is no skipping ahead past the songs you've already heard, so I had to start fresh this afternoon--and I was making serious progress too, I got down to about 63 or so when tragedy struck...

for some God-forsaken reason the playlist started back at number 111 with Paris Hilton (and no one can ever convince me that Paris Hilton is somehow less awful than Hootie, who is in fact not awful at all but someone was ranked lower, along with Will Smith).

And while I do suprise myself with the amount of endurance I have for completely meaningless tasks, I'm not sure I will barrel through those first fifty or so songs again...so with this adventure coming to an end, or at least a pause, I will leave you with three nuggets of musical treasure that you need to check out.

First is none other than a lovely duet by none other than The King of Pop Himself and Sir Paul McCartney called "The Girl is Mine."

Followed by a little dose of Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True."

And then perhaps the best thing I have come across in years, a true icon of musical greatness "The Fast Food Song" by the Fast Food Rockers. Let's eat...to the beat!

The 111 Worst Songs

As many of you know, I have somewhat of a tendency to be drawn to and seriously enjoy the things of this world that some might label awful, corny, or lame, but that I refer to as "under appreciated." It's the reason why I watch Pauly Shore movies and have considered on more than one occasion buying the new purple acid wash jeans Target is trying to bring back (and I am sure you guys could come up with an entire list of things I am missing). I also, am a bit of a pop culture ho, so obviously when I came across the 111 Worst Songs channel on AOL radio, I had no choice to listen.

I have to say I was quite entertained (and couldn't help but giggle) that as the songs began playing I found myself singing along or discovering new guilty pleasures (including "Stars are Blind" by Paris Hilton--don't hate, catchy pop music is catchy pop music). As pleasurable as this was, I was quite saddened that several of my all time favorite songs (namely "Dirty Pop" and "This is Why I'm Hot") were on the list.

Granted, there were some seriously terrible songs on the list ("That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain and "America A-O" by Aaron Carter) and some predicted ones ("Are You Jimmy Ray?" by Jimmy Ray), but where do these people get off putting the Hoff on the 111 Worst Songs list?

So I didn't get to finish the countdown, but it was entertaining nonetheless...

...And that's what I did with my Sunday afternoon...