It's fun to work at the Y-M-C-A

I couldn't resist.

So, this week concluded my first full week as an employee at the A.E. Finley YMCA (where apparently Clay Aiken used to work before he hit the big time).

For all of those who are interested, my official title is Senior Camper Coordinator, which essentially means I plan for and run the middle school portion of the track out sessions. More or less, I am a counselor but I make my own schedule and have a little more freedom in creativity and activities. In Wake County there are four "tracks" of year round school that kids can be on, so they all go on break at different times, thus the need for track out programs. So basically, every 3 weeks new kids come through until all four cycles have been and then it starts over.

I'm learning that each track will bring it's own unique set of kids with completely different personalities and challenges. Last week my kids were all pretty chill and they were definitely your younger middle schoolers, still in a place where they liked to play and things like that. This track, I have some drama mamas, flirts, awkward kids, and they all like to talk non-stop at a loud volume.

I'm being challenged in a lot of ways partially because I haven't counseled in three years and partially because middle schoolers are not my best age group to work with. Plus, on top of all of that I am still trying to learn the ins and outs of how the YMCA works and how they do things and what they expect, and the kids are used to doing things the old way and they recently restructured the track out program so there are just a lot of factors that go into an overall feeling of unpreparedness. And to be honest, there is kind of a silly feeling like I'm somehow cheating on Rockfish by working for the Y.

For the most part, I really am enjoying my job, but I can't say I've truly developed a heart for it yet, which is something I pray the Lord will give me. It's also hard because, honestly, it's not a position I plan on holding for too long (although it's a great fit for my situation now), which makes motivating myself difficult sometimes.

All in all, middle schoolers and ridiculous no matter where you work, but somebody's gotta keep them in line :)

I will post about my new job later...

...but right now you need to check out my sweet new kicks. i figure, if i have to wear tennis shoes everyday, they ought to be friggin' awesome--and does it get better than zebra stripe and highlighter yellow? i submit that it does not.

Moving

It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how independent I like to think I am when I come to moments in my life when I just don't know what the future holds, all I want to do is go home and be with my mommy.

I had a really hard time motivating myself to pack and head back to Raleigh. I guess it was mainly because I didn't feel like I had anything to go back to other than a messy room with no bed, no furniture, nothing. Raleigh doesn't feel like home yet because I'm not really settled there, I feel more like I'm just crashing on the floor than moving in. All the "freedom" of not knowing left me feeling a little bit lost and incredibly unmotivated...and I was just getting discouraged about the job thing.

But the Lord is a faithful provider! As I was driving home from saying goodbye to my mom, I was beginning to get particularly caught up in my thoughts and my phone rang. I got a job! Not the job I interviewed for, but they offered me another position...I guess they want to keep me around and that's a good sign right? The call came at the perfect moment because it gave me a tangible reason to come back (other than the looming rent check) and that got be excited about getting plugged in and settled here in Raleigh.

I've been e-mailing with two women from two separate churches here and I am really looking forward to getting to meet them and start looking for a church family. Both seem really nice and both churches look like they would have a lot to offer (including swing dancing which I will be taking up for the next four Wednesdays). It'll just be good to start meeting new people :)

Lady in Waiting

By about the middle of my sophomore year in college I had had enough of Christian dating books, talks, etc. To be honest, I became somewhat hardened to any message of this sort simply because I felt like I had heard the same thing so many times and that if I heard it again I would scream.

Then second semester junior year, Ansley told us we would be studying a book entitled Fantasy in our discipleship group (insert finger in throat and gag), yet another book on all the proper Christian conversations one is supposed to have when in a relationship and how girls are obsessed with the idea of marriage and how worth it is to wait for a godly man (all of which, I admit, have some truth to them, but seriously). And of course, because I was so against going through such a book, God used it to teach me all sort of amazing things and teach me that I was wrong. In fact, it has become a book I have lead a group in twice and have recommended on several occasions.

Then this summer I decided that I would take a stab at reading the book Lady in Waiting. On the one hand, I wanted to hit myself for being compelled to read a "dating book," thus giving the impression that I was that marriage obsessed girl who even brought the obsession into her time with the Lord, BUT after thumbing it over a few times and seeing that it actually had some good biblical basis and practical application, my gag reflex calmed down and I decided it was worth a shot.

What I like about Lady in Waiting is that it's not going on and on about finding beauty or how to be a better potential wife but it really focuses on growing closer to the Lord and examining areas of your life that keep you from being as close to the Lord as He desires. It's good stuff...and while yes it does has some application to me as a single woman, I also have just become aware of just how much of a waiting period I am in in life right now, and I don't just mean in love. I'm waiting to hear back from a job (and if I don't get it I'll continue waiting for other opportunities). I'm waiting for furniture. I'm waiting to get settled in Raleigh, to find a church, to get plugged in. I'm waiting for discernment. I'm just waiting for things in life to get some form of routine and normalcy.

I also have a tendency to be the "if-only" girl. If only I had more time, if only I had a job, if only I had a relationship, if only I had this article of clothing or thing for my apartment or whatever it is. I set all kinds of levels to accomplish before I can get real with God. I'm waiting on all sort of menial and earthly things to come to fruition when the most satisfying thing in the world requires no waiting at all but simply an open and willing heart.

Getting Back Into the Swing

I hate that the business of the end of the school year and the chaos that is Rockfish has kept me from updating in such a long time, but now with the freedom of my post-college life I am hoping to be back in the blogging world much more frequently.

My current facebook status says that I kind of miss the craziness of back to school, and I do. I knew August would be harder than May in the sense that leaving school in May was essentially the same as every May and my summer was the same as every summer, but now it is that magical time of year and I'm not thinking about classes, buying school supplies, or gearing up for any back-to-school festivities. Instead, I am half moved into an apartment in Raleigh and sitting in my living room at home in Myrtle Beach.

I am excited about the possibilities of the future, but overwhelmed as well. I really want the next year or so, as I transition from student to adult, to be a time of seeking the Lord, I want to grow, I want to change. I'm not entirely sure how or what it will look like, but I want it.

I'm just a little bit over school right now...

For some reason, today I am just completely over school.

I really like school, as many of you know, and I have been trying hard not to become to countdown kid, just checking off the days until graduation (or even spring break) and rejoicing at the thought of just being done. I don't want to spend my last two months of school so anticipating the end that I overlook what is still left to be done and learned.

but today, I just don't feel like doing anything and the fact that I have to get things done (and soon) stresses me out, which is typically a motivator, but not at the moment.

sigh.

Psalm 86

Hear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you , O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds,
you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided hear,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life--
men without regard for you.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.
Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

"I need you in my house cause you're my home"

Have I mentioned lately that I love Billy Joel? If not, I do.

Insecure

Sometimes it really amazes me how little it takes to make me question my worth, even if it's only for a second.

I think I like to pretend I am a lot less sensitive than I really am.

Last night in Bible study we were talking about James 3:13-17 which is mostly about wisdom, but in defining earthy wisdom James describes it as full of "envy and selfish ambition" (vs. 15) and one of our questions was "In what circumstances in your life do you find it easy to become envious or self-ambitious?"

Over the past few years I have become well aware of my tendency to compare myself to others constantly, which messes with my self-esteem and makes me envious and bitter towards others. However, when I was going to answer this question I gained some clarity in what specific circumstances I find myself most prone to these feelings--when I am the "alternate" choice and not chosen.

It's one thing to compare myself to lots of people on lots of levels, but I find my security really shaken when it comes down to a choice between me and one other person and I'm not the chosen one. I guess I fear not being chosen, which translates in my head to not being wanted.

I guess it shows I tend to get a lot of my sense of self-worth from other people...it's frustrating to know the devil has his finger on that very part of my heart that can make me doubt when I KNOW that the Lord is good and that my worth comes from something much bigger and better than anything this world or anyone in it can offer.

A Slow Progression Towards Adulthood

According the the countdown application on my Facebook profile, there are 68 days left until graduation. Talk about a total mindblow. In those 68 days (and thats counting weekends and spring break) I have 2 conferences to present at, a thesis to finish, classes to pass, students to tutor, a grant project to fulfill, t-shirts to order, inductions to organize, papers to write, presentations to give, on top of the overwhelming task of moving myself into adult mode.

I've decided to make this a slow and gradual process that began with a vow not to go to class without getting properly put together, a habit I needed to get into (although I have always protested the vulgar going to class in your pajamas thing). Then came creating an e-mail account that lacked an affiliation with Winthrop or middle school, a solid nameinitiallastname@gmail.com.

Then I had to order my cap and gown, which made the event of graduation all the more real.

The new voicemail message will come next as will the sending out of resumes all while I attempt to slowly build a wardrobe that doesn't scream camp or college student.

I don't hate the idea of becoming an adult, I just wish I had a little more direction in what I will be doing a few months from now. Part of me is excited to be closing this chapter of my life and seeing where the next few years as a twenty-something will take me, but another part of me feels like I am just now hitting my stride as a college student and I'm not ready to be done yet. It's just all becoming final.

On an entirely different note, I am making a new-month resolution to write more. The past year or so has seen far too few blog posts on here and I keep getting this desire to write for an audience again (as small as that audience might be).

Almost too good to believe...

...and i can't watch.

two of my best vices WWE and Project Runway are joining forces and I don't have Bravo...

i lose.

I no longer have to take responsibility for any of my actions

because apparently Akon has volunteered to take the blame

...and that is how I spend my Sunday

Yesterday I spent 9 hours of my day watching the ABC Family 7th Heaven marriage marathon. Needless to say, my eyes were a little teary most of the day, but that's beside the point.

I am well aware of the corniness and unrealisticness of 7th Heaven, but no matter how aware I am, I still like the show. I'm a fan and always have been.

Many a Monday night at 8 o'clock were spent on my living room couch waiting to see what the Camden crew would be up to this episode and sort of wanting to be a part of it.

Granted it always finished just in time to switch over to Monday Night Raw.

...and that's the contradiction that was my early adolescence.

School Related Things

A couple of weeks ago, I applied for graduation. Not a particularly emotion provoking event, but a very real step in my journey towards not being a college student

Yesterday I met with Dr. Lyon to make sure I had everything I needed to graduate with my honors degree. I did, and upon completion of my thesis next semester, I will be an honors graduate of Winthrop University.

In a few weeks I will have my very last advising meeting in which I will need to tie up any loose ends to make sure I meet May with no complications. Additionally, my plans of taking my last semester easy and pretty much doing only my thesis will be spoiled by the fact that the psychology department will be offering THREE different courses that all make me want to pee my pants with excitement (prenatal behavior, advanced child development, and diversity in the family). It is also statements like that which indicate perhaps I should consider going on to grad school because, well, I'm a nerd.

In regards to things post graduation...suggestions are welcome. I'm far from being stressed about it, because I know the Lord will show me where He wants me eventually, but the thoughts I've entertained on my own are broad and diverse.

Finally, in the process of writing this, the apple I am eating in between key strokes which is sitting on my lap as oozed juice making it look like i actually have peed my pants a little. hurray!

A lust finally fulfilled...

...and it was wonderful.

ok, so maybe lust is a bit of a strong word with a negative connotation.

since my freshman year Winthrop has been promising me a new gym. spring semester of my junior year, no gym, but enough of a building to be a tease. fall of my senior year, a building, a pool, a tons of BRAND NEW CARDIO MACHINES mocking me from their place inside the building that won't open.

August 17th, not open. September 3rd, not open. September 14th, not open. But finally, today, September 17th, the brand-spanking-new and amazing West Center is open and I can finally enjoy my 20 minute run on an elliptical machine :)

I am making up for my utter lack of posting with this collection of little posts

Congratulations to me, and all my other friends who are 21, WE HAVE OUR ADULT BRAINS, physiologically speaking. Apparently, the brain is continually developing and creating new myelin sheathes (which speed up neuron communication) until you are 21, which should supposedly mean that adults can think better and faster than teenagers.

Drinking is legal at 21. Drinking kills neurons, thus making neuron communication harder....irony?

***

My heart is longing to be in a city...a big city...new york city.

***

Prenatal development is absolutely amazing, and possibly unhealthy for someone like me who wants a baby so badly (the whole marriage thing aside, biological clock, as Kat would say)

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Jazz music is good for the soul...bottom line.

***

It's almost magical outside tonight. We are in such desperate need of rain and there are thunderstorms in the predictions...wind...colorful sunsets...and that feeling like something is going to happen...could fall really be on the way?

***

I wrote the ending last night!!

"I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are loveable or unlovable from other people," Paul says. "That is why God tells us so many times to love each other."

-Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

Restless

rest-less [rest-lis] adj.

1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest
2. unquiet or uneasy as a person, the mind, or the heart
3. not content

what i'm getting at is that i need a swift kick in the pants. i just can't seem to get my butt in gear. i still enjoy school and i want to do my work, but i am just lacking motivation. i want to get up early and get ready, but i keep hitting the snooze. i want to make my days productive, but then i have days like today, where (no exaggeration) i keep my butt planted in front of the tv for hours aimlessly flipping through channels. About the most productive thing i did today was actually watch a movie to its completion. i surpassed unproductive.

i'm not really sure what my deal is.

lately i have just been feeling sort of discontent. perhaps i am subconsciously stressed out about all the stuff I have going on at school, but i really don't think that's it. i'm not particularly worried about what to do after graduation (although I do need a backup in case The Real World doesn't work out), but I have to admit I'd like a little more clarity in that area.

i think i'm just ready for something different...something new...something exciting...an adventure.

i'm not unhappy, but i think i keep trying to convince myself i'd be happier if only (fill in the blank with various plans and desires here). it's not good, i know the Lord needs to be my total fulfillment, but I'm having a hard time grasping that at the moment.

I'll leave you with this

I have hardly posted in months and what I have written has hardly been of any substance, so I leave you with this little bit of important information which proves how badly I need to just go ahead and go to bed.

Your Brain is Green

Of all the brain types, yours has the most balance. You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver. You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).

What Color Is Your Brain?

Another Summer Gone By

How in the world did we end up in Week 8 of summer already (that's not counting the 2.5 weeks of staff training)? As you can see it's been quite busy as this is the first time I've gotten around to posting anything in months.

Camp is in a good place...our staff is amazing and the Lord has been here this summer. I've dealt with more issues and been stretched in a lot of ways. I have enjoyed this summer a lot and been able to work in a capacity that is new (although lacking in the sunshine department). It's good...summer has been good...and I will be sad to see it end.


But...Bahamas is on the horizon!