OMG

On the way to church this morning, Jordan filled me in that the title of JD's new sermon series is "OMG!" I liked it without even knowing what he was preaching about.

As it turns out, he's preaching on prayer, which sounds good to me because it's definitely an area where I'd like to see growth. I really enjoy corporate prayer, I've experienced the power of prayer, I know the necessity of it, but so often I lack motivation or don't set apart the time in my day to really devote to talking to God. That needs to change.

Anywho, the sermon, per usual, gave me some good things to think about, and while I could simply copy my notes from the sermon, I want to focus in on what JD focused on as "The 3 Things That Are ALWAYS TRUE About God" because what we think and believe about who God is greatly affects the stance we take towards him and the stance we take towards him affects our worship of him. It's important to keep these things in mind because the circumstances of our lives do not always prompt us to worship, but when we focus on these truths, we have no choice but to worship joyfully.

Three Truths About God

1. God is in loving control: "If ever there was a time where it seemed like evil was in total control, it was at the cross, BUT it fulfilled God's will" We all face times in our lives when we feel like God is turning his back on us and the matters of our lives. Bad things happen, evil exists, and people will hurt us, but what is so awesome is that (to quote JD) "Satan has never come up with a plan to which God didn't answer 'That's perfect. It will suit my will perfectly.'" Anything that Satan or any person could use for evil against you is an opportunity to see God's hand in your life even when we don't see it at the time. What is important is that when we are faced with these challenges we are emotionally honest with God to admit the pain but intellectually humble enough to admit there are things about God that we just won't understand.
2. God acts according to great mercy: And mercy is God not giving us what we deserve while grace is giving us what we don't deserve. By our very nature we are sinful and deserve the wrath of God, but the very fact that we wake up every morning is a demonstration of God's mercy towards us. Not understanding God's mercy towards us can really affect our relationship with him. If you are constantly thinking that you deserve God's wrath, you will feel guilty with his mercy. And if you think you don't deserve wrath, you can harbor resentment towards God when life doesn't go the way you think it should.
3. God is tender towards us: "The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made" (Psalm 145:17). God will provide for the things we need, he will lift us up when we fall, fix us when we are broken, watch over us and protect us. We are his creation and his stance towards us is love and he loves us tenderly.

To tie all of this pack to the topic of worship and prayer, how we view God determines how we worship. If God is nothing but useful to us, a means to an end or a way to make us feel better, we will have to discipline ourselves to pray. But if we embrace the truths above and God becomes beautiful to us, it is our joy to pray.

Day Twenty-seven:

1. Finding a church where I walk away each week with a new perspective
2. Seeing people who are truly joyful about the Lord
3. A good cry at a good movie
4. Getting some order back to my room
5. My mother, of course. She is a wonderful lady.
   

One, Two, Three Strikes You're Out!

Baseball season has begun...and so has tee-ball season and I am quite excited because I have decided to volunteer and help one of the directors coach a tee ball team...The Rockies!

Today was our first practice and we definitely have a winning team on our hands ;) We have about 10 kids on the team and each one is as cute as can be. Obviously, some kids have more of a clue than others, but I think they are all ready to have some fun, and that's what is important. We worked on the basics today--what the positions are, ALWAYS run to first base first, how to field a ball, learning everybody's names, that sort of stuff. I'll actually have to miss our first game and a few practices, but I'm really excited...I'll make sure to keep everyone posted :)

Day Twenty-six:

1. The helpful sales girls at the mall today :)
2. Hanging out with the team today
3. Fresh baked cookies
4. A sense of accomplishment that comes from doing laundry
5. To reflect on the accomplishments of all my friends who graduated today
   

Catching up is hard to do

Given the reason for my absence the past few days, it would only be appropriate to start off this entry with a big ol' Ahoy There!

The trip to Camp Seafarer was a blast. It was fun to be back in summer camp mode, even if it was only for a few days. The trip was a good reminder of why I love resident camping so much. When you put kids in an environment that is so different from what they experience at home and you live in a cabin with them, you get to see different facets of their personalities and I love that. I love how relaxed camp is and how it just allows you to be away from normal for it a bit. Maybe one day God will put me back into the camping world.

The set-up at Seafarer is pretty sweet. Just about everything is on the water, which is cool; the cabins are huge with lots of room for stuff and hanging out (plus they have bathrooms in them!); the mess hall has a nice set up (I wish I could have seen the kitchen) and they definitely have their mealtimes down to a science. Supervision and accountability was a little more lax than I'm used to in that setting, but it seemed to work. I also liked that it had a very old-school summer camp feel with the bugle and the flag raising/lowering each day.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to work at an all girls camp. I mean, I definitely love being able to pour into young girls, and that would have been an ideal setting, and it definitely cuts out a whole mess of problems by eliminating boys. I have to say that I really enjoyed getting to spend time with the middle school girls this week. It's just fun to see what they get excited about, what they worry about, and to take a moment to be proud when they are doing the right thing and others aren't. The four of us had a rockin' time. I'm really glad I got the chance to go :)

Day Twenty-three (Wednesday):

1. That God has given me the ability to do decent devotions with teenage girls, even without much notice.
2. Arriving safely to Seafarer today and for the rain holding off, at least for now
3. That every group of campers always the one weird kid
4. Playing kickball
5. Getting to see how other camps run and what their traditions are

Day Twenty-four (Thursday):

1. The smell of honeysuckle on a warm breeze
2. Not waking up to an alarm clock
3. Getting to try something completely new (Sailing!)
4. How ridiculous middle schoolers are
5. That God has given me a liking for the weird kids

Day Twenty-five (Friday):

1. That no matter how "plugged in" and technologically advanced/demanding kids get, some of the simple joys of childhood are still around
2. Watching kids have the chance to get really excited about something that is new to them
3. Going to the movies. It is one of my absolutely favorite things to do (even though I don't do it often because they cost so much)
4. That my camera arrived and appears to be safe, sound, and in proper working order
5. Getting to watch and be proud of how well behaved my girls were this week
   

Updates from my time in NYC are still to come...

On the road again...

Well, the successful return home on Sunday is met with opening up the ol' duffle once again and heading back out of town. For the next three days I will be heading with Track Out over to Arapahoe, NC to hang out at Camp Seafarer. I'm excited. I don't think it comes as a surprise to anyone that I love resident camping and since this summer will be the first summer in fourteen years that I won't be at at any resident camp, I think this trip will be a nice little fix. It's always fun to get back into the cabin and flex the counseling muscles a bit ;)

With that being said, I must get to bed because it's going to be a long (but fun) next few days.

Day Twenty-two:

1. That, according to the boy in Chic-fil-A today, 1+1= flower; ow+ow=tooth; and 3+3=6
2.The celebration of Cinco de Mayo with Taco Bell, Margarita flavored Bartles and James, and Enrique Inglesias.
3. That Jordan and I made it home safely during the storm earlier. It was pretty intense.
4. Seeing change in people, and celebrating that change when it comes.
5.Alarm clocks with short snooze times...otherwise I would not get out of bed in the morning.

I'm OK with being a guinea pig

I have a very faint memory from my childhood of doing some product testing for a company. I know it was when we still lived in West Virginia and I am pretty sure my friend Leslie was there as well. In all honesty, I have very little recollection of the products we actually tested, all I know, is that for sitting in a room and looking at pictures and stuff, I got a trial size of DEP hair gel (strange I know, but I think it was somehow associated with a Barbie that you were supposed to be able to style her hair or something) and Fruit Rollups--that is a sweet deal when you are a kid. I blame that experience entirely for my affinity for free things :)

Truth is, I like doing research--from product testing, academic research, or just random queries of friends. I like filling out surveys and I like giving my opinion and sharing my experiences. It's fun to me. All that to say, I have decided to once again to volunteer my services as a product researcher and I am quite excited about it.

Day Twenty-one:

1. Creative people who create little nuggets of gold like this
2. Rediscovering old songs I like but haven't thought about it awhile
3. A productive day of discussion and evaluation (and sharing stories)
4. The smell of rain and the sound of it outside my window
5. Customer service representatives who do not act as if you are wasting their time or are stupid

I will play catch up later

...as you will find out when I get around to updating on the past few days, this weekend was eventful to say the least, so it was nice to have the afternoon and evening to relax. I was not entirely motivated to update on the past three days, but I was motivated to make a decision about the Nikon D60 and I decided to get it.

In other news, whenever I fly I always have the song "The Thing About Airplanes" by Andrew Peterson playing in my head. In particular, the line that says "Now the thing about airplanes I've noticed this time / is you can't look ahead, and you can't look behind / but you can see where you are when you look out the side / you can try to recover some peace." It's a song about longing, about discontentment, about disappointment, about wanting to be somewhere other than where you are at the moment even when you are in the midst of something perfectly good ("you know I love flying, especially at night";"the works of my Maker I'm flying beside")...I think it's pretty true of life too.

Flying is completely transitional. You know where you are coming from and you can anticipate where you will end up, but for however long you are in the plane, you are there with pretty much nowhere to go---you are trapped yet constantly moving forward.

It's easy to fall into the same mindset with life. It's easy to start to feel restless. It's easy to feel trapped by where you are in life. It's easy to feel discontent even when nothing is wrong with life. We can get nostalgic for the past and fantasize about the future and completely miss where we are in the present, yet life keeps going on whether we choose to realize it or not. I have found that is is when we most fully embrace the present, we are most content in it.

I know that I do my fair share of overlooking the present, but as a believer, it's so contradictory to what I know to be true--my past is forgotten and my (immediate) future is not promised and I already know my ultimate destination, that leaves no choice but to be a good steward of my time in the present.

Day Twenty:

1. For returning home safely and having time to relax.
2. That I am fortunate enough to be able to do and have the things that make me happy.
3. Window seats on airplanes
4. That I get to sleep in a little bit tomorrow
5. Tiny surprises from the bff when I get home (we're growing plants!)
   

Packing

I am a terrible packer. I always wait until the very last minute to do it. I always pack more stuff than I need. And I often over-estimate the amount of shoes that I will need (I also tend to over-estimate the long term comfort of shoe choices). I am going up to New York this weekend and I am almost positive that everything I packed will be, to a degree, a bad choice, because my mind still wants to dress for North Carolina. Oh well...I will live. There is also a chance of rain...boo that.

I am very excited about the trip though. Starting two years ago, my mom and I decided to take an annual trip. We originally planned on it being to Charleston, because we both love going down there, but this year we decided to take a trip up the New York. We will be staying with my aunt and uncle in New Jersey and then spend a day in NYC and another day in Philadelphia. It will be action packed, but I think it will be fun. Aaand, I am FINALLY going to see Wicked, which I am obviously psyched out of my mind about. And fun fact, one of the families from the Y is going to be at the same show. Small world, eh?

I'm not entirely sure I would want to call New York City home forever, but I definitely would like to live there for a year or two at some point in my life. I think a lot of people have that same desire, and I know it's definitely been on my mind for the past couple of years. I just think it would be an exciting time to see the city in its fullness, not just snapshot glimpses on weekend trips.

On a side note, I do not plan on taking my computer with me on my trip, so my posts for the next couple of days will be postponed, but no worries, they will come :)

Day Sixteen:

1. That I mange to operate pretty well even when I don't get enough sleep
2. That my mom gives me a call whenever she has bible questions
3. For everyone who is giving me input about my decision to buy a camera (I still haven't decided)
4. The opportunity to work out with a trainer. Not only is it good for taking care of my body, it's cool to see a different side of the Y
5. That Facebook, while without a doubt a terrible time waster, is a wonderful tool for catching up with people, without which I would do much less of
   

Thoughts from the salon chair

Sometimes I go onto the Wake Tech website and think about what would be a fun degree to pick up in my spare time.

I have really considered Baking and Pastry Arts several times, because I really want to make beautiful, edible goodies. I love watching Food Network Challenge and Ace of Cakes, not thinking I'd ever be that good, but thinking that it would be fun to try my hand at cake decorating and construction and whatnot. Plus, I am itching to play with fondant...I'm fascinated by it.

I've also considered Cosmetology. I feel like that could be such an awesome way to minister to people. I think everyone, at least every girl I know, understands the difference a "cute day" versus a "fat day" can make, and a lot of times when we feel like we are looking our best on the outside, it gives us a boost to let all the good things on the inside show too. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% inner beauty is more important than hair, make-up, and clothes, but it just breaks my heart when I watch shows or see people who have such low self-image that they can't see anything good in themselves, they don't even see themselves as worth investing any time on.

As I was getting my hair cut today and listening to and watching the people around me I thought, how fun it must be when you know you've given someone a great haircut that they love. That can do a lot for a person. Then I thought, what if I could have a job that would help others, especially girls and women, see just how beautiful they are? Just think of the doors it would open to speak truth into those lives about where their true worth comes from, and I think it would be a great reminder to myself about where my true worth comes from.

I'll just add it to the life to-do list :)

Day Fifteen:

1. Random quests for knowledge brought upon by Jordan
2. Freshly cut hair in a style that I really like :)
3. Encouragement that comes from hearing what the Lord has done in other people's lives
4. My upcoming trip to NYC with mi madre
   
5. Quiet moments in my car over my lunch break to just sit and enjoy the sun
   

The internet is a dark, scary abyss...

...one that I get sucked into far too often.

I love the internet for various reasons. Communication with just about everyone I know is at my fingertips...I can get answers to burning questions like "Did that dude ever do any other movies?" or "What's the name of that kid who did that movie about that stuff?" in seconds...I can watch just about anything I can think of from my childhood thanks to somebody on YouTube...and I can spend hours looking at things that I don't need to buy, and thus making me feel somewhat more materialistic than I probably already am.

I have been pondering the idea of a digital SLR for sometime now. When they first came out, they were way out of my price range, but over the years a decent camera has become quite reasonably priced and my income has become much more steady than it has been the past few years. And recently, I have been doing a lot of browsing around on several websites and have found some potentially really sweet deals on the camera that I am thinking about.

But when it really comes down to it, I don't need it, I just want it. And while I feel like I am in a phase of life where it is slightly more acceptable to be a little more self-indulgent, I am still quite torn. And what is worse is that the more I look into them, the more obligated I feel to actually buy one now that I've invested so much time.

Plus, I am incredibly indecisive.

What to do about my soul.....

Day Fourteen:

1. That I live in a neighborhood with so many children. They provide endless moments of entertainment.
2. That a song I like came on the radio in the weight room that gave me that extra few minutes of motivation to finish my workout.
3. Fresh strawberries that Jordan was willing to share with me.
4. Random phone calls from my friend Petra.
5. That the Lord wakes me up every morning :)
   

Unexpected Behavior

"Our sin is disgusting, and Jesus became that sin for us." JD Greear

By human standards, Jesus wasn't right in the head. It's pretty obvious when you think about the crucifixion. It wasn't just some nice gesture, or even just an act of fulfillment to the prophets. It was a brutal display of pure hatred taken on by Jesus for the sake of people who stood in direct opposition to him (which is what we were in our sin). Jesus took our place--the principle of substitution. This is the first part of what JD spoke about today.

Jesus didn't just take our place on the cross, throughout the gospel of Matthew we can see Jesus reliving the steps of the nation of Israel, but rather than leaving a legacy marked with disobedience and turmoil, Jesus lives as we ought. His life early on begins with an exile out of Egypt. He spends 4o nights in the desert just like the Israelites spent 40 years. He gives the new law to the people from the mount, just as the Israelites received the law from Moses from atop the mountain. Jesus is baptized not because he needed to repent of anything for himself, but because he was standing in for all of us, who are in desperate need of redemption, thus allowing God's words to him ("This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.") to be God's words to us.

The second part of JD's sermon was about how absolutely essential it is for us to find our identity in those words God speaks over us and not in the lies that Satan feeds us. In the desert when Jesus was being tempted, the devil isn't neccesarily tempting Jesus in the physical world. Rather, he is trying to make him doubt the identity God had just bestowed upon him at his baptism. The devil isn't telling Jesus he is not the Son of God, he is just raising the "if" questions, that when posed to any human mind would lead to at least a temporary identity crisis. But not Jesus, he is able to combat the devil's tempations by believing as truth what God says about him.

There are some lessons that I feel like God has to present to me over and over again (it's proof that God pursues his children), and the one of finding my identity in Christ is one of them. For years I have struggled with constantly comparing myself to others and with putting my worth and identity in the opinions that others have of me (or worse, not what they actually think but what I think they think). It's definitely the most prominent way the devil tries to pull my mind away from God. It's so hard to grasp the idea that Jesus loves me completely and to hold on tight to that concept. But what's harder than that is to give God's opinion the weight it should have. It's one thing to get it and another thing to believe it.

Day Thirteen:

1. The little boy at Target today who was very excited about finding THREE pairs of shoes in his mom's size.
   
2. That God has allowed me to keep up with a few campers from summers gone by and that I am able to influence the people they are becoming.
3. The whole genre of children's fantasy.
   
4. Getting to watch some of the girls from my small group get baptized today after church.
5. Online radio stations that play nothing but showtunes.
   

PickleFest 09

A month or so into Jordan and I living together, we had the idea to start hitting up local random festivals. It started with the Fiesta del Pueblo and the Greek Festival over at the state fair grounds, and it expanded into us looking up all sorts festivals across the state and putting them into our handy, dandy "social events calendar." We plan these trips more than we actual attend them (things come up, ya know), but one just can't pass up something like the Pickle Festival in good ol' Mt. Olive, NC.

So, that is what we did today and I'm a better (and rather sunburnt) person for it, although I was somewhat disappointed at the lack of overall pickle culture. I mean, they handed out free pickles, which was pretty sweet, Mr. Crisp was walking around, and there really are Pickle Princesses, but other than that, it's a lot like the state fair--turkey legs, funnel cakes, and a wide variety of people from all walks of life :) I just feel like if you have a theme, you need to go all out. For example, if you are going to be having pig and duck races, the pigs should be in pickle costumes. If you are going to have a car show, I think the contestants should have to work a pickle theme into their presentation. And EVERY food stand should have some sort of signature pickle related food. I could do great things with a festival like that.

Anywho, the day wore me completely out, so I'm off to bed now.

Day Twelve:

1. The people of Mt. Olive who take pride in their town. They provided hours of entertainment today.
2. That I can watch Son-in-Law over and over again and still find it funny each time.
3. Cocoa Butter and the soothing effect it has on my sunburt skin
4. People who are willing to be silly in public places. Like the man on the bus today who was talking like Arnlod Schwarzenegger.
5. Chilidogs and icecream.
   

Made It...barely

I set out to start this post much earlier than now, but I got distracted...so I am just barely getting today's list in.

Day Eleven:

1. The little girl who told me she wanted to invite me to her birthday party
   
2. The woman at the Gap today who was sincerely realizing how great she looked in jeans
3. Hugh Grant double features on a Friday night
4. Sleeping with the window open :)
5. Zebra print flip flops (too bad there are no more safari days)

Tomorrow is the Pickle Festival in Mt. Olive and I have to admit I am pretty psyched out of my mind. They apparently give out tons of free pickles, have a pickle launch, pickle bowling, and a pickle packing contest. Oh, and not to mention the Pickle Princess pageant!

Tired

Man, I am about as worn out as a lady can get today. I have had trouble falling asleep the past few nights and I think it's finally catching up with me. I'm so not in college anymore.

Speaking of college, I can't believe it's been almost an entire year since I graduated. That is totally nuts! A year went by so fast. This time last year I was doing about 101 things at once and living off Diet Coke and Cheddar Chex Mix as I was finishing up my thesis, studying for exams, doing presentations, and squeezing in last minutes of tomfoolery.

Enough on that, this child needs to get to bed.

Day Ten:

1. That my mom and my house are ok even though Myrtle Beach has apparently gone up in flames.
2. The Office--it makes me laugh.
3. That tomorrow is Friday. I'm just tired and need to get some sleep.
4. Motivation
5. That I have actually stuck with my commitment in these posts and not let my laziness or sleepiness get in the way.
   

I guess they like me...

...or if not...i am getting very mixed signals ;)

Today was Administrative Professionals Appreciation Day and I had no clue.

So I pull up to the Y this morning and I notice something weird is on my office window. My first thought was "What did after school do to my office?" (Sorry FGT). But when I walked inside I was overwhelmed with a display of streamers, balloons, flowers, and all sorts of goodies :) The directors had decorated my office just for the occasion! It was totally a surprise and it just made my heart happy. They are too good to me, seriously. It 's always encouraging to hear that you are doing a good job and that you are contributing to the team, but in all honestly, I have been more than supported in my job and I know that is a HUGE factor in why I am able to get things done.

This is as I walked in the door....

...and this is my desk (check out the fancy streamer job)

See what I mean, spoiled!Handcrafted my Meredith Cox herself. "It's green, because you like green" :)

I wonder who might have been the creator of this work of art?

And of course, the BEAUTIFUL flowers. So pretty I had to go home and take pictures :)

Day Nine:

1. I think it goes without saying, the opportunity to have the job I do and work with the people that I do and all the kindness they bestow on me.
2. That the state licensing people were not scary or mean and were willing to help me understand what I need to do to meet compliance.
3. Classic Rock-n-Roll music and the boogie woogie piano.
4. That I am going to the Pickle Festival with my bff on Saturday.
5. That the best costume I saw today was put together by a little girl and her daddy :)
   

The written word

I will take the written word over the spoken word any day-- for a couple reasons.

One, I am a much better writer than I am a speaker. I can look over something I have written and give myself a pat on the back; but if I have to watch myself speaking publicly or hear myself recorded, I want to cringe and back into a corner. And while I can eloquently present something to a group if I want (usually after writing everything out) and there are times when I know the Lord gives me the words to carry on good conversations, on the whole, I wouldn't say expressing myself verbally is a strong suit.

Second, I love the tangibility of the written word. You can have a good conversation with someone, and you might remember a significant phrase verbatim or you can recall the gist of what they were saying, but if you receive a really good letter, that's yours to keep and you can revisit it whenever you want. That's what is so amazing about Scripture; it is a letter from God that we can just read over and over again until the binding gets tattered or we've written all over the page or whatever :) It's a tangible tool from God.

Also, I like to be cautious with the words that I say and I get frustrated when I don't feel like I have adequately communicated what I want to say, so the written word allows me to get everything out the way I want it to be without getting sidetracked.

Now, I am by no means undermining the importance of face to face contact or the necessity of verbal communication, I just know what I like better. And I think the Lord has given me a gift and a passion for writing, and lately I feel like He has been calling me to use it to encourage others. I think that is part of why I have been so excited about blogging more consistently this past week or so--I like writing for an audience (even if it is a small one), especially if it's something I think the Lord can use to encourage them. So, I hope that is what this blog is doing. Yes, the challenge has been good for me personally, but I want it to reach further than my own growth and walk with the Lord.

Day Eight:

1. My Summit small group. I have been really blessed to get plugged in with such a great group of ladies and I am excited and hopeful that the Lord will continue to grow our group and our relationships.
2. That today half of my day consisted of playing on a playground with kids.
3. That all those years of watching professional wrestling paid off by having something "cool" to talk about with a 5th grade boy
4. For the Chic-fil-A on Six Forks...Obviously I love their food and their sweet tea (and I probably eat there more than I should), but I am thankful for the staff who work there and for their having such a great environment. I spend many a lunch break there and I feel quite welcome to sit and read or write while I'm eating my kids meal :) The people watching is great too.
5. That my friends Brandon and Ansley are pregnant. I CANNOT WAIT to see their baby girl.
   

Self Control

Overall, I would say I exhibit a pretty good measure of self-control in my life, and I think people who know me would say the same. I don't usually let my emotions get the best of me, I can hold my tongue (usually), I can wait for something I want to go on sale, I understand and chose to live in a way that I feel glorifies to Lord, even if it means on missing out on something in the here and now. BUT one area where I exhibit significantly less self-control is when I crave something specific to eat. And mind you, these cravings can be absurd and strange combinations (corn on the cob and donut holes; milkshakes and burritos for example). I don't mean it in a gluttonous way, or as in I just eat whatever (if that was the case my butt would be on The Biggest Loser), but it's like once I get my mind set on something specific, nothing else just quite satisfies.

It's this very craving-driven determiniation that binds my friend Katie and I together. I can always count on her not only sympathizing with but partaking in the strange quests for whatever we happen to be craving at the time. Perhaps one of our first bonding moments was sometime, I guess freshman year, when I came into her room proclaiming "OMG I need a cheeseburger!!" and we immediately had to go to Jack in the Box :)

I tell that story for two reasons.

One, I got it in my head last night that I really wanted chili cheese fries and thus I made a trip to the grocery store after work (and working out) to get all the ingredients, and I thus enjoyed a wonderful dinner.

Second, I have to laugh at myself for the reality of how single-mindedly focused I can be sometimes on such silly (and maybe some not so silly) things, not just random cravings, but a lot of other little fixations in my life. If I would just take half the time I spend planning for or thinking about those things and direct that craving and driveness towards pursuing Christ, imagine the doors He could open and the things He could do through me. Jesus is better than a burrito flavored cheeseburger with a side of donut holes and a milkshake to drink, and He deserves Lordship over my entire life as silly and ridiculous as I may be.

Something JD said in his sermon yesterday was, "If Jesus is not Lord of all of your life, then He's not Lord at all." Heavy. Perhaps I went around my elbow to get to my butt to get to this point, but why is it that I am so willing to submit my will in some areas and so unwilling in others?

Ahh, the things the Lord can reveal through chili fries :)

Day Seven:

1. BIG hugs from little children I haven't seen in twelve weeks :)
2. That my mom loves to send things in the mail
3. When rainy mornings end up in beautiful afternoons
4. That I get to share in the excitement and joy of the upcoming weddings of some of my dear friends
5. That the Lord likes to give me "projects" when I'm trying to fall asleep
   

Do the Freddie

One of the things that I love most about being out of college is that weekends are actually weekends. In school, Sundays were very rarely a day of rest. Sure we would take a long, leisurely lunch after church and sometimes we would make a trip to the lake, but ultimately Sunday's were bogged down with wrapping up (or starting) all the work I had put off until then and meetings for various things. So, it's nice to have that real separation of work and rest and to enjoy relaxing.

And even though today might have been a relaxing day, I accomplished plenty of worthwhile things. I went to church and JD preached a sermon that I still need to do some unpacking and reflecting on because it was pretty heavy (there will probably be more on it, once I've got my thoughts together). When I got home I made a delicious small stack of banana and chocolate chip pancakes and took parenting notes from the Duggers :) Their total lack of television watching naturally inspired me to reminisce about all of the things that I most enjoyed watching on TV as a child, which resulted in watching Troop Beverly Hills and a variety of clips on YouTube (where would we be without YouTube?). Lastly but definitely not least, I created a Pandora station for Freddie and the Dreamers, the creators of this little gem. It's the little things friend :)

Day Six:

1. The diversity in the choir at church. Black, white, young, old--a little bit of everyone represented and it's a little glimpse into what heaven will be like.
2. Color--life would be so boring without it.
3. That we always seemed to have music on when we were kids.
4. For my dear friend Katie Simmons and her reminding me about our Eat-vangelism seminar...those were the days :)
5. Reopened doors of communication with family members I haven't talked to in years.
   

Summer will be here soon enough

I love warm, sunshiney spring days like today because they allow us to enjoy a sense of carefree-ness and relaxation often associated with summer amidst the business of wrapping up the end of another school year and whatnot. Plus, in the spring the sunshine is still new and exciting after the winter and people aren't quite ready to complain about the heat, sweat and humidity :)

On a day like today I do miss being at Winthrop simply because it would have been an absolutely perfect day for sitting by the lake and reading a good book with friends, and I quite miss the tulips all over campus. Oh how I love tulips.

Today was a perfectly lovely day in Raleigh however. It was a wonderful day for driving with the sunroof open and the tunes cranking, and fortunately for me I had a reason to drive out to Wendell for a cookout with some track out folks. Burgers, baby, potatoes guns, and passing on the punching food game. Good day.

Day Five:

1. The crickets chirrping outside my window
2. Getting to hold and play with a beautiful baby boy today
3. Homemade pizza
4. Freshly painted fingers and toes :)
5. The Moody's hospitality in letting us come over and enjoy time together
   

Friday--Day Four

The past two days have been blessed with good conversation. I will admit that initiating and carrying on conversations is not always my strength, but I love to see when the Lord really allows conversations to flow freely, whether it's in the form of encouraging, teaching, or just catching up with a friend. It's nice.

I felt like I accomplished a lot today (even if I didn't get everything done that I wanted to), and that is a good feeling to be able to check things off of a list and see things slowly coming together. And while this track has not been bad by any means and I have seen a great deal of growth in our team, I am glad to see it go and for a new group of kids to come in on Monday. It will just be nice for things to settle down for a bit.

I was able to share some ideas for Camp Rock tonight with some friends and I just get more excited each time I start brainstorming and trying to plan things out. I haven't really "done" anything yet, but I truly believe the Lord is going to bless this camp this summer and I'm anxious to see what that will look like.

Day Four

1. SUNSHINE and Flip Flops :)
2. Seeing growth and improvement in some of our kids from the start of the track to the end
3. Having dinner with Jordan and Lukas
4. For excitement about the summer
5. Thinking about middle school and how thankful I am to have grown up since then
   

I suck at going to bed at a decent hour

Today was an eventful day at Track Out. I go on my lunch break at 11:30 and I come back and I see one of our campers being carried out to her car (rolled ankle--don't get too worried) and my co-worker filling out not one but TWO incident reports. It was a year round early release day, so between 11:30 and 12:45 we had extra children show up and all of the normal directors were off at their after school sites, and I had more than one child visit my office for a variety of issues ranging from being tired, to needing a break, to not listening, to having ripped an impressive and quite large hole in his/her pants. Not to mention the normal day to day tasks of getting bus rosters ready and fielding phone calls and whatnot. I wouldn't put it down as a bad day, just eventful. Oh, then at around 3:40 I realized I had a credit card log due at 3 that I completely had in my head was due tomorrow and I had not even started on it! Yay!

Despite the craziness of the day, I came home completely satisfied with it. It's one of those nights where it just all the sudden became much later than I thought and I'm not particularly tired and I am just sort of in the mood to socialize (I'm sure I will feel it in the morning--oh well). Needless to say, today is a day that I am thankful for, partially due to the following things:

Day Three

1. Compliments from friends about something small that you wouldn't expect them to notice.
2. A night full of multiple good conversations with both co-workers and roommates and thusly the bonding/relationship development that goes with it
3. An opportunity to build up someone else
4. A gospel song that definitely had a hook from "Beat It" (yes, the Michael Jackson song) in it
5. A day without TV
   

I Win

I like to make up games. Usually they are games I play with myself just for a chuckle and sometimes I invite others to join. Some of my favorite are: Guess What Someone is Going to Order from a Restaurant (are they a burger person? chicken person? Lemon or no lemon in their tea?), If You Had a Theme Song That Would Play Every Time You Entered a Room What Would It Be? (Bootylicious, hands down); and If Money Was Not on Issue, What Luxuries Would You Pay For?(someone to stretch me out daily). This is what I do with my time and today---I won. I actually got one of the things from my game to happen.

I have recently signed up for Personal Training with one of the trainers at the Y. And while I am not the least physically fit person around, I could use some shaping up and getting into a good routine, so I thought this would be good motivation. For a first session I think it went pretty well. We did mostly weights and while I'm not paralyzed from muscle soreness, I have a nice little post-workout burn. So after hopping on machine after machine working all the different muscles, my trainer was like, "Lay down on the mat so I can stretch you out." It was glorious. Totally worth the work.

Five Things I am Thankful For Today:

1. The five little girls who were dressed in head to toe cheetah attire, who crawled around the floor and for the little boy who "hunted" them.
2. Warm showers for sore muscles :)
3. A gradually recovering immune system
   
4. Chocolate chip pancakes for dinner
5. The song "Video" by India.Arie
   

An afterthought about thankfulness

After I posted my entry last night, I was thinking about how I need to make a concerted effort to be more aware of the blessings in my life--that if I want to live Easter everyday, that I need to find the reasons to rejoice everyday, something that I don't always do.

So, I decided to give myself a personal challenge in being more aware and thankful for things in my life. I am hoping that if I set an actual goal for myself, and commit to updating it on here, that I might actually go through with one of my many plans to step up my walk with the Lord rather than letting it fall to the side and sit there.

The challenge is this...for the next 30 days I will post five specific things that I am thankful for and I am not allowed to say anything more than once. If I can't find at least five new things a day to be thankful for, I have bigger issues.

So there it is and here it goes.

Day One:

1. People who are willing to be honest.
2. The little boy who waved goodbye to me at the Y even though he doesn't know me.
   
3. Kids who get really into the games that I make up.
4. That I am able to live with my best friend.
5. The fact that I get to think up a safari outfit to wear to work tomorrow :)
   

"So long you wages of sin, so long don't you come back again"

I know that it probably makes me a little bit of a traitor to America to say this...but Easter is my favorite holiday.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Christmas alright (even if I might come off as the Christmas movie/music nazi prior to Thanksgiving), the festivities are fun, people are cheery, it is perfectly acceptable to watch Love Actually and Elf multiple times, and Jesus was born, so it's important, but Easter is amazing. It is the single, history altering event upon which my entire faith is based! Everyone is born (and I don't mean that to say Jesus' birth wasn't extraordinary) but NOT everyone comes back from the dead. I'm all about a good celebration, and there is nothing more worthy of a blow out celebration than the resurrection. I kind of hate that it doesn't get more attention and that it doesn't get celebrated as it should (and similarly a little disappointed the Easter service I went to was a little drab).

One thing I really like about the Catholic tradition (and some other churches as well) is the season of Lent prior to Easter (and I don't just mean giving up chocolate as a spiritual way of dieting to look good for the summer), but really giving up and giving something to really remind you of and pull you to the cross. We should prepare for Easter and take the time to think about what Jesus' death really was and really means. Easter isn't just a one day thing, it's the reality of our life in Christ. I could use more practice in remembering this.

I'll admit, I have a pretty active imagination when I think about what it will be like when Jesus comes back (usually involving Jesus strutting in with his posse and throwing punches at the bad guys) and to think about what the scene was like when Jesus kicked back that stone and said "Boo-yah Death!" is almost too much, but as I was driving home on Easter, I pulled up an old favorite on the pod and it captures it perfectly.

High Noon by Andrew Peterson

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the deep of the valley was bright
When the mouth of the tomb shouted,
"Glory, the groom is alive"
So long, you wages of sin go on,
Don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed;
You've lost all your sting
To the victor of the battle at
High noon in the valley
In the valley of the shadow

And the demons, they danced in the darkness
When that last ragged breath left his lungs
And they reveled and howled
At the war that they thought they had won

But then, in the dark of the grave
The stone rolled away
In the still of the dawn on the greatest of days

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the shadows were shot through with light
When Jesus took in that breath
And shattered all death with his life
Be gone, you wages of sin
Go on, don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed
You've lost all your sting
To the victor of the battle
High noon in the valley of the shadow

Let the people rejoice
Let the heavens resound
Let the name of Jesus, who sought us
And freed us forever ring out

All praise to the fighter of the night
Who rides on the light
Whose gun is the grace of the God of the sky

High noon in the valley of the shadow
When the shadows were shot through with light
When the mouth of the tomb
Shouted, "Glory, the Groom is alive"
Be gone, you wages of sin
Go on, don't you come back again
I've been raised and redeemed
All praise to the king
The victor of the battle
High noon in the valley
In the valley of the shadow

Happy Easter.

Sometimes God answers prayers with the ipod shuffle

For the Moments I Feel Faint--Relient K

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

[Chorus]

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands

This song echoed the very cry of my heart tonight as I was talking to the Lord. God is good. He watches out for His children.

Sabotage (Part 1)--Fear of Man

A lot of nights, the last moments before I go to sleep are stressful (rather than restful) because my brain won't shut off and my mind runs in about thousand different directions. I normally try to pray during this time, to bring peace to my head (and heart), but some nights I just can't make it slow down.

I feel like this time very vulnerable because as the rest of my body is shutting off and I am confined to my bed and the darkness with just my brain left to wander, and I think it is the prime time for either God to reveal things or for the devil to plant things, raise questions, and bring forth emotions that I otherwise wouldn't give much thought to.

Last night was one of these nights and I could practically feel anxiety rising up in my chest. I was all over the place -- What do I really want to do with my life? I think I want to really get into community development and outreach. I think I want to work with girls and women. But what about always wanting to work with kids? I should go to grad school. I think I want to go for counseling. I really want a vacation. Friday at work was chaos. Hawaii sounds great. I really wish I felt like I was growing in my faith. I miss my friends from college. I hate when I feel like I've failed. Will I get married? Why do I care if I do? I'm not ready to get married. Why am I even thinking about this? I need to find more satisfaction in my walk with the Lord. I'm hungry. I have to wake up early and I can't fall asleep. I wish I had some music on but I'm too tired to get up. I think I want a new ipod. How early do I need to wake up so I can get to church on time?....and so on.

Needless to say, I was getting frustrated because I really just wanted to fall asleep. But the Lord really responded to that time of mental attack last night because this morning at church JD started a new series called Sabotage, and it is going to address the different things in our life that keep us from being who we really want to be. Which right off the bat really resonated with me because I feel like I always have this desire to grow and change but it doesn't seem to ever come to fruition.

The series is going to be going through the book of Proverbs and the first sabotage JD address was the Fear of Man. And throughout his sermon he managed to hit on just about every issue that was running through my mind.

God is good.

" Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Proverbs 29:25

In order to really understand this particular threat in our lives, we have to understand what is really means, and as JD pointed out, in this instance the word "fear" is not referring to being afraid of something but rather "adding weight to" something. Just like we talk about fear of the Lord as having a respect and a sense of awe for God, we are adding weight to his opinion. When we fear man, we are giving value to the opinion of man. Our concern with man's perception of us rather than God's can stifle a life in so many ways.

But how do we know if we have a fear of man? JD provided a good list of questions that I wanted to share because I realized I answered "yes" to a lot of them and it makes sense why I have a lot of the anxieties that I do. I am hoping this will be a good jumping off point for growing closer to the person the Lord wants me to become, and I hope it is helpful for you as well.

• Do you have the need to self promote, name drop, and bring up your accomplishments?
• Is social rejection among your most painful childhood memories?
• Is the thought of social rejection still a fear?
• Was peer pressure a big influence in your life?
• Does the thought of failure mortify you?
• Are you always competing with others?
• Do you love thinking about what people think of you?
• Are you easily embarrassed or really shy?
• Do you have to be the center of attention?
• Do you fear exposure?
• Does what people say or do towards you affect your self-esteem?
• Do you generally avoid people as to not get too close or hurt?
• Do you have a problem lying (especially little white lies)?
  
• Are you constantly over-committed?
• Do you have trouble disagree who you perceive as important or in power?
• Do you second guess your decisions?
• Do you pride yourself on not caring what people think?
• Does exposure of your generosity motivate you to give more?
• Do you fear being single?
• Why do you diet?
• Have you been been too intimidated to share your faith?

To be perfectly honest, I answered yes much more often than I answered no, which doesn't suprise me. I have known for a long time that I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist, but it did raise my awareness of the real root of the issue--I am giving people more weight than I am giving God and I am not fully embracing or aware of God's true stance towards me. He loves me. He loves you. And that love is neverending. I long for satisfaction in Jesus, and God promises that trusting in him is a safety and a guard for my heart. I need to learn to trust God more.

...And I have to admit my eyes teared up just a little

This past weekend, a (almost) lifelong dream of mine came true (although the couple next to me said I am too young to have wanted it "for a long time" pshh)...

I FREAKING SAW BILLY JOEL LIVE!!!

I think just about anyone who knows me knows that I love Billy Joel. It's a love affair that started young and that has stuck with me all my life. I have wanted to see him live for a long time, and finally I can check that one off the life's to-d0 list (although hopefully I will check it multiple times). As cheesy as it sounds, I don't have enough words to explain just how exciting the whole show was.

The arena was just full with excitement. People (of all ages) just absorbed in a world of music put on by two of music's legends (oh, Elton John was there too). And while part of me wanted to be right up there front dancing along and screaming my heart out, another part of me really just wanted to sit and watch in disbelief that it was real. It was so fun. And

as if I needed more reasons to love Billy Joel, he is entirely silly, which makes me so happy. I would like for him to know Jesus so we can hang out in heaven.

Steady Friends

Almost daily I discover things about myself that indicate that there is a good chance I was born in the wrong generation. Whether it's music and movie tastes, fashion choices, or phrases that I think should make a come back, I sometimes just have to chuckle at myself when I stumble upon these little quirks in my personality.

For example, I really like the phrase "going steady" in reference to when people are dating pretty seriously. The term definitely doesn't get used by anyone in my generation, but I just think it's fun. This past summer I was sharing this tid-bit of information with Jenn in the office at camp and we decided that we would start "going steady" as friends. Obviously, Jordan and Ms. Jacque had to be steady friends too, and thus we started our our steady friends group :)

Well, this weekend we celebrated the birth of perhaps the classiest of the steady friends, Ms. Jacque, with a day full of distraction and deception as Jenn, Jordan and I had the job of entertaining Ms. Jacque while her husband got the house ready for her surprise birthday party. It was amazing. I'm so thankful for such wonderful ladies in my life.

What I Do With My Free Time

When my roommates are lounging around in the evening...they watch shows like Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. You know, shows that, while catering to the 55+ club, at least offer some form of intellectual stimulation.

What do I watch in the evenings? Not just re-runs of all three episodes of the current season of The Real World: Brooklyn, but the web exclusive daily clips--one right after the other. That or episodes of Bug Juice on Youtube. I'm sorry but you can't watch this and not crack up. What can I say, people fascinate me, and this season's cast has got me hooked like I haven't been since Back to New York.

"Remember the time we realized 'Thriller' was our favorite song?"

Sigh.

I do believe that there will always be a part of me that is attracted to tattooed and pierced punk rock guys (which i think usually surprises people, although i don't think it should). And similarly, I think there will always be a teenage version of myself wanting to be the girl in the punk rock songs those tattooed and pierced boys sing.

all of that to let you know that i have recently decided to revisit some bands that i used to listen to (like MxPx and Blink-182) and the truth is, i still love them. and i figure that if i loved them when i was 12, and i love them when i am 22, i am pretty confident that i will be an 80 year old woman who still loves them...

and that makes me happy.

and also makes me wonder what my kids will turn out like when their musical influences growing up will be billy joel and new found glory :)

and just for fun, here is another tattooed man that i love--although he is not a punk rocker.

poem

I don't think I have written a poem since like 8th grade when I had to create a poetry anthology for an English project, but for some reason, this came to me as I was trying to go to sleep Sunday night, so I thought I would do something with it.

Good Try Baltimore...

...but you just couldn't pull it out.

So pull out your Terrible Towels everybody because THE STEELERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!

08/09

So, the time of year has come when one is compelled to reflect on the previous year and make lofty goals for the new year. As I am one to willingly give into compulsions, I will do just that in this post.

In the year 2008 I (in no particular order):

• Prayed in the New Year and danced the night away afterwards
  
• Kicked off my last semester at Winthrop
• Was part of an amazing Bible study
• Developed a fascination with prenatal development
• Wrote a thesis
• Presented research
• Ate tacos every Tuesday with Charlotte
• Lived off of Diet Coke and Cheddar Chex mix for several weeks
• Saw the full moon rise out of the ocean :)
  
• Laughed a lot
• Experienced my first pedicure
  
• Saw lots of friends get engaged and others get married
  
• Graduated with a 4.0
• said a lot of goodbyes
• worked my last summer at Rockfish
• Kayaked in the Pacific ocean
• lived on an island for a week
• cried a lot
• Got a car
  
• Go-karted in a dress and pearls
• Finally got to go to The Melting Pot
  
• Saw Moving Out
• Saw The Rockettes in NYC
• Watched 4 entire seasons of 4 separate reality TV shows
• Moved in Raleigh
• Got a job
• Got a promotion
• Went to my first state fair
  
• Painted my fingernails black
• Chopped off my hair
• Ran for homecoming queen
• Made it to the final three
• Bought a new camera
• Started reading for fun
  
• Dabbled in bellydancing
• Bought an amazing pair of tennis shoes
• Watched a lot of movies

In 2009 I will:

• See Billy Joel and Elton John LIVE!!!
• Road trip to Birmingham to see Wicked!
• Put forth more effort to cook
  
• Make a noble attempt to work out regularly
• Find a church to get plugged into
• Take a stab at budgeting my money
• UPDATE: Finally submit an audition tape for The Real World.
  

Feel free to add to either list as you see fit.

Indulgence

In some instances, I am in full support of indulging in the finer things in life: European chocolate, aromatherapy bath scrubs, hot showers, and cashmere. But then, as I think about it, a lot of times indulgence is at the very root of a lot of my spiritual struggles.

In his first letter to the Corinthians Paul writes: "Everything is permissible--but not everything is beneficial" (10:23)

As I was reading this the other night my initial reaction was "Gah. There is so much truth to this statement, so much conviction."

Then I thought to myself, "What if I checked all of my of my actions against the question: 'is this beneficial'?" I think it would drastically alter the way I live my life.

Obviously, Paul is addressing the issue of free will and the fact that we were created by a God who has given us the freedom to make our own decisions, we are not just characters in some cosmic puppet show, thus, we have the capability to do "everything." And naturally some decisions that we make are good and some are not. But the second part of the verse addresses the real issue of free will, that because we are free to make our own decisions we should not act selfishly or in vain, but should seek to act in a way that benefits those around us. The issue of benefit is the heart behind our actions.

How many times a day do I allow myself to indulge in something that is not at all beneficial to myself, the Lord, or anybody else? The truth is, more often that I can count. Sometimes it comes in the form of stuffing my face with junk, laziness, gossip, sleep, TV, music, putting off my time with the Lord, putting my expectations for the future ahead of the Lord's purpose for me in the present, or wallowing in self doubt and insecurity.

The truth is, that far too often I both knowingly and unknowingly allow myself to indulge physically, emotionally and spiritually in things that have no benefit, and because of that I give the devil a foothold on my heart to create a perceived distance from the Lord and others.

What You Own

1.Put your iPod or whatever mp3 player or music player you use on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Billy Brown

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Ballad of Hansberry Brown

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
God's Been Good to Me

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Big Girl (You are Beautiful)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Zoot Suit Riot

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Sparkling Diamonds

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I've Had the Time of My Life

WHAT IS 2+2?
Happy Every After in Your Eyes

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
A Thousand Miles

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Santa Fe (from Newsies, not Rent)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Do You Love Me?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Hungry Eyes

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Mr. Brightside

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU
Hold Up My Arms

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
No Other Way

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
All My Life (heck yes KC and Jo Jo)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Do You Wanna Dance?

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Shake Ya Money Maker

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Popular

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
All Creatures

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Love Heals (So I won't die?)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Back 2 Good

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Because We Can

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Erase

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
My Style

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Collide

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Round Here

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Love is a Many Splendored Thing

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
What You Own



Ok, so out of the ones I have read...my list is my far the lamest. Curse it all when me and the shuffle aren't on the same page!

honestly, who needs a boyfriend...

...when you can go to work and have the cutest 6 year old boy stare you in the eyes and say:

"Brooke, I'm in love with you."

it was precious....and hilarious...i had to laugh after i walked away :)

sometimes charlie brown just says it best :)

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
SHARING A SANDWICH.
GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

breakthrough

so i have finally acquired some semblance of a chest of drawers, so slowly but surely my room is looking less like suitcase vomit and more like i live here :)


i also hung some pictures and whatnot

A collection of random thoughts, aspirations, and updates

I leave my apartment at 6:30 every morning to be at the Y by 7-it's dark, it's cold, but every single morning there are people out running, and every morning I think to myself "I'm just never going to be one of those people who runs for fun, much less at 6:30 in the morning."

I think I am finally going to submit a video to audition for the Real World. The age cut-off is 24 so I really only have one season left to try to fulfill this dream. And, my mom always threatened to stop paying for my education if I went on the Real World, and I'm graduated these days :)

I am going to send in an application to be a judge at the National Pie Championship. I like pie. I have opinions. Please tell me what is better than 3 straight days of pie.

The shuffle and I have been on good terms, meaning the music of my life the past few days has been wonderful.

I got a promotion at work.

God is teaching me patience. Sometimes I'm just not good at waiting.

If Idle Hands are the Devil's Playthings...

...then I am in a bad way.

i'm bored...really bored.

my post-college life is quite a change of pace from the non-stop busyness that was my high school and college years. basically, i wake up, go to work, come home, and that's it...seriously.

because i am still checking out churches and whatnot, i'm not really plugged in anywhere around here, i haven't quite motivated myself enough to get to the gym yet, and i spend a lot of my day flying solo at work so i haven't gotten to know anyone there really, thus boredom has set in.

i'm taking suggestions on what to do with my time...if it's good...i'll write a special feature on it :)

What am I supposed to do with my time now?

So, because I have nothing better to do with myself or my time, I made it my goal to finish the 111 Worst Songs playlist. Now, the thing is, everytime you start the station it starts you back at the beginning and there is no skipping ahead past the songs you've already heard, so I had to start fresh this afternoon--and I was making serious progress too, I got down to about 63 or so when tragedy struck...

for some God-forsaken reason the playlist started back at number 111 with Paris Hilton (and no one can ever convince me that Paris Hilton is somehow less awful than Hootie, who is in fact not awful at all but someone was ranked lower, along with Will Smith).

And while I do suprise myself with the amount of endurance I have for completely meaningless tasks, I'm not sure I will barrel through those first fifty or so songs again...so with this adventure coming to an end, or at least a pause, I will leave you with three nuggets of musical treasure that you need to check out.

First is none other than a lovely duet by none other than The King of Pop Himself and Sir Paul McCartney called "The Girl is Mine."

Followed by a little dose of Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True."

And then perhaps the best thing I have come across in years, a true icon of musical greatness "The Fast Food Song" by the Fast Food Rockers. Let's eat...to the beat!

The 111 Worst Songs

As many of you know, I have somewhat of a tendency to be drawn to and seriously enjoy the things of this world that some might label awful, corny, or lame, but that I refer to as "under appreciated." It's the reason why I watch Pauly Shore movies and have considered on more than one occasion buying the new purple acid wash jeans Target is trying to bring back (and I am sure you guys could come up with an entire list of things I am missing). I also, am a bit of a pop culture ho, so obviously when I came across the 111 Worst Songs channel on AOL radio, I had no choice to listen.

I have to say I was quite entertained (and couldn't help but giggle) that as the songs began playing I found myself singing along or discovering new guilty pleasures (including "Stars are Blind" by Paris Hilton--don't hate, catchy pop music is catchy pop music). As pleasurable as this was, I was quite saddened that several of my all time favorite songs (namely "Dirty Pop" and "This is Why I'm Hot") were on the list.

Granted, there were some seriously terrible songs on the list ("That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain and "America A-O" by Aaron Carter) and some predicted ones ("Are You Jimmy Ray?" by Jimmy Ray), but where do these people get off putting the Hoff on the 111 Worst Songs list?

So I didn't get to finish the countdown, but it was entertaining nonetheless...

...And that's what I did with my Sunday afternoon...

It's fun to work at the Y-M-C-A

I couldn't resist.

So, this week concluded my first full week as an employee at the A.E. Finley YMCA (where apparently Clay Aiken used to work before he hit the big time).

For all of those who are interested, my official title is Senior Camper Coordinator, which essentially means I plan for and run the middle school portion of the track out sessions. More or less, I am a counselor but I make my own schedule and have a little more freedom in creativity and activities. In Wake County there are four "tracks" of year round school that kids can be on, so they all go on break at different times, thus the need for track out programs. So basically, every 3 weeks new kids come through until all four cycles have been and then it starts over.

I'm learning that each track will bring it's own unique set of kids with completely different personalities and challenges. Last week my kids were all pretty chill and they were definitely your younger middle schoolers, still in a place where they liked to play and things like that. This track, I have some drama mamas, flirts, awkward kids, and they all like to talk non-stop at a loud volume.

I'm being challenged in a lot of ways partially because I haven't counseled in three years and partially because middle schoolers are not my best age group to work with. Plus, on top of all of that I am still trying to learn the ins and outs of how the YMCA works and how they do things and what they expect, and the kids are used to doing things the old way and they recently restructured the track out program so there are just a lot of factors that go into an overall feeling of unpreparedness. And to be honest, there is kind of a silly feeling like I'm somehow cheating on Rockfish by working for the Y.

For the most part, I really am enjoying my job, but I can't say I've truly developed a heart for it yet, which is something I pray the Lord will give me. It's also hard because, honestly, it's not a position I plan on holding for too long (although it's a great fit for my situation now), which makes motivating myself difficult sometimes.

All in all, middle schoolers and ridiculous no matter where you work, but somebody's gotta keep them in line :)

I will post about my new job later...

...but right now you need to check out my sweet new kicks. i figure, if i have to wear tennis shoes everyday, they ought to be friggin' awesome--and does it get better than zebra stripe and highlighter yellow? i submit that it does not.

Moving

It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how independent I like to think I am when I come to moments in my life when I just don't know what the future holds, all I want to do is go home and be with my mommy.

I had a really hard time motivating myself to pack and head back to Raleigh. I guess it was mainly because I didn't feel like I had anything to go back to other than a messy room with no bed, no furniture, nothing. Raleigh doesn't feel like home yet because I'm not really settled there, I feel more like I'm just crashing on the floor than moving in. All the "freedom" of not knowing left me feeling a little bit lost and incredibly unmotivated...and I was just getting discouraged about the job thing.

But the Lord is a faithful provider! As I was driving home from saying goodbye to my mom, I was beginning to get particularly caught up in my thoughts and my phone rang. I got a job! Not the job I interviewed for, but they offered me another position...I guess they want to keep me around and that's a good sign right? The call came at the perfect moment because it gave me a tangible reason to come back (other than the looming rent check) and that got be excited about getting plugged in and settled here in Raleigh.

I've been e-mailing with two women from two separate churches here and I am really looking forward to getting to meet them and start looking for a church family. Both seem really nice and both churches look like they would have a lot to offer (including swing dancing which I will be taking up for the next four Wednesdays). It'll just be good to start meeting new people :)

Lady in Waiting

By about the middle of my sophomore year in college I had had enough of Christian dating books, talks, etc. To be honest, I became somewhat hardened to any message of this sort simply because I felt like I had heard the same thing so many times and that if I heard it again I would scream.

Then second semester junior year, Ansley told us we would be studying a book entitled Fantasy in our discipleship group (insert finger in throat and gag), yet another book on all the proper Christian conversations one is supposed to have when in a relationship and how girls are obsessed with the idea of marriage and how worth it is to wait for a godly man (all of which, I admit, have some truth to them, but seriously). And of course, because I was so against going through such a book, God used it to teach me all sort of amazing things and teach me that I was wrong. In fact, it has become a book I have lead a group in twice and have recommended on several occasions.

Then this summer I decided that I would take a stab at reading the book Lady in Waiting. On the one hand, I wanted to hit myself for being compelled to read a "dating book," thus giving the impression that I was that marriage obsessed girl who even brought the obsession into her time with the Lord, BUT after thumbing it over a few times and seeing that it actually had some good biblical basis and practical application, my gag reflex calmed down and I decided it was worth a shot.

What I like about Lady in Waiting is that it's not going on and on about finding beauty or how to be a better potential wife but it really focuses on growing closer to the Lord and examining areas of your life that keep you from being as close to the Lord as He desires. It's good stuff...and while yes it does has some application to me as a single woman, I also have just become aware of just how much of a waiting period I am in in life right now, and I don't just mean in love. I'm waiting to hear back from a job (and if I don't get it I'll continue waiting for other opportunities). I'm waiting for furniture. I'm waiting to get settled in Raleigh, to find a church, to get plugged in. I'm waiting for discernment. I'm just waiting for things in life to get some form of routine and normalcy.

I also have a tendency to be the "if-only" girl. If only I had more time, if only I had a job, if only I had a relationship, if only I had this article of clothing or thing for my apartment or whatever it is. I set all kinds of levels to accomplish before I can get real with God. I'm waiting on all sort of menial and earthly things to come to fruition when the most satisfying thing in the world requires no waiting at all but simply an open and willing heart.

Getting Back Into the Swing

I hate that the business of the end of the school year and the chaos that is Rockfish has kept me from updating in such a long time, but now with the freedom of my post-college life I am hoping to be back in the blogging world much more frequently.

My current facebook status says that I kind of miss the craziness of back to school, and I do. I knew August would be harder than May in the sense that leaving school in May was essentially the same as every May and my summer was the same as every summer, but now it is that magical time of year and I'm not thinking about classes, buying school supplies, or gearing up for any back-to-school festivities. Instead, I am half moved into an apartment in Raleigh and sitting in my living room at home in Myrtle Beach.

I am excited about the possibilities of the future, but overwhelmed as well. I really want the next year or so, as I transition from student to adult, to be a time of seeking the Lord, I want to grow, I want to change. I'm not entirely sure how or what it will look like, but I want it.

I'm just a little bit over school right now...

For some reason, today I am just completely over school.

I really like school, as many of you know, and I have been trying hard not to become to countdown kid, just checking off the days until graduation (or even spring break) and rejoicing at the thought of just being done. I don't want to spend my last two months of school so anticipating the end that I overlook what is still left to be done and learned.

but today, I just don't feel like doing anything and the fact that I have to get things done (and soon) stresses me out, which is typically a motivator, but not at the moment.

sigh.

Psalm 86

Hear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you , O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds,
you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided hear,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life--
men without regard for you.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.
Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

"I need you in my house cause you're my home"

Have I mentioned lately that I love Billy Joel? If not, I do.

Insecure

Sometimes it really amazes me how little it takes to make me question my worth, even if it's only for a second.

I think I like to pretend I am a lot less sensitive than I really am.

Last night in Bible study we were talking about James 3:13-17 which is mostly about wisdom, but in defining earthy wisdom James describes it as full of "envy and selfish ambition" (vs. 15) and one of our questions was "In what circumstances in your life do you find it easy to become envious or self-ambitious?"

Over the past few years I have become well aware of my tendency to compare myself to others constantly, which messes with my self-esteem and makes me envious and bitter towards others. However, when I was going to answer this question I gained some clarity in what specific circumstances I find myself most prone to these feelings--when I am the "alternate" choice and not chosen.

It's one thing to compare myself to lots of people on lots of levels, but I find my security really shaken when it comes down to a choice between me and one other person and I'm not the chosen one. I guess I fear not being chosen, which translates in my head to not being wanted.

I guess it shows I tend to get a lot of my sense of self-worth from other people...it's frustrating to know the devil has his finger on that very part of my heart that can make me doubt when I KNOW that the Lord is good and that my worth comes from something much bigger and better than anything this world or anyone in it can offer.

A Slow Progression Towards Adulthood

According the the countdown application on my Facebook profile, there are 68 days left until graduation. Talk about a total mindblow. In those 68 days (and thats counting weekends and spring break) I have 2 conferences to present at, a thesis to finish, classes to pass, students to tutor, a grant project to fulfill, t-shirts to order, inductions to organize, papers to write, presentations to give, on top of the overwhelming task of moving myself into adult mode.

I've decided to make this a slow and gradual process that began with a vow not to go to class without getting properly put together, a habit I needed to get into (although I have always protested the vulgar going to class in your pajamas thing). Then came creating an e-mail account that lacked an affiliation with Winthrop or middle school, a solid nameinitiallastname@gmail.com.

Then I had to order my cap and gown, which made the event of graduation all the more real.

The new voicemail message will come next as will the sending out of resumes all while I attempt to slowly build a wardrobe that doesn't scream camp or college student.

I don't hate the idea of becoming an adult, I just wish I had a little more direction in what I will be doing a few months from now. Part of me is excited to be closing this chapter of my life and seeing where the next few years as a twenty-something will take me, but another part of me feels like I am just now hitting my stride as a college student and I'm not ready to be done yet. It's just all becoming final.

On an entirely different note, I am making a new-month resolution to write more. The past year or so has seen far too few blog posts on here and I keep getting this desire to write for an audience again (as small as that audience might be).